Perhaps I'm just lazy.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:31 pm

 
From Despair to Where?
When I was little, around 7 or so I usually topped the class in school. Up to around 10, when the rest suddenly became geniuses or something. Nevermind, still managed to score 3 A*s in the PSLE and was one of the top few in the school.

When I was 13 I made this computer software, which got rave reviews on the then-all-popular ZDnet.com download site. In fact, I got a 5 star (maximium) rating and I think a 'Hot File of the Day':

ZDnet's Hotfiles review of WinLoader 4.00 - 5 star rating.
WinLoader is a slick little program that gives you more control over the way Windows loads. You edit a script file that it reads to load programs at startup. You can designate how to load programs, by specifying an area in your Registry or your Startup folder or by utilising the load and run values of your Win.ini file. WinLoader provides the opportunity to consolidate these entries into a single format, giving you much greater control over the process. The script design is simple and allows you to assign a specific order in which the programs are loaded. You can establish pauses between the programs to avoid possible conflicts, assign starting folders, and even generate message boxes that display when Windows loads. You can also add a sound event to your startup and add comments to the file. What WinLoader doesn't do is provide a means of gathering your startup program information. You must do this manually, which requires at least nominal familiarity with the Windows Registry. WinLoader does provide an easy-to-use editor for building the script file, with tool buttons that add the appropriate commands. It's very easy to use and puts you in control of your Windows startup.

Reviewed on Nov 11 1998.

Those were the days, I was passionate about computers and all, and showed my passion. When I was 16 I went through a programming deathmatch to try to program the ultimate Pong (You know the game with a ball and 2 paddles) though whichever was the better one was inconclusive.

Then came Junior College life, I tried to be on about school and all, trying to join everything. Ended up with this research programme in NTU, for engineering. Some fiber optics thing. But it was all screwed up. Didn't win any awards. Had the Singapore Chemistry Olympiad, but only managed a lousy Bronze.

Now? I don't even think I can score for the exams. Sigh. Gee must get myself back on track, get myself motivated, do stuff and all. And become remembered. Hmm.

Though I'm currently super depressed and didn't even go bicycling for the past few days. Sigh.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:27 pm

 
Quote Database

Hilarious stuff.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:48 am

 
Wargames

Empty souls on the streets like beggars to discarded bread
Crawling by whitewashed offices shouldering today's dread
Perhaps it's not the way to live we can make do without
Hurting ourselves for the things we don't really want

A twenty first century version of savages and huge cleavers
In a society that embraces looters and conquerors and murderers
Eyes wrapped in their bandannas do they even care if they cull
The very people who could have been their brothers?

Forsaking friends to prove their fifteen minutes of superiority
But don't they know that in the end it's really not for free
Lying alone basking in the emnity that they carve they realise
That a lifetime of solitude was not what they had slogged for

They take pride in brandishing their swords glistening in red
Or even plowshares because of the harm they can create
But no one notices the ones behind them who prefer to share
And soon they see the daggers of the hungry ones in their back

But there's nothing left to say
When everyone does the same
When they tell you to do the same
When you really live life they call you insane


Copyright reserved
- posted by K. C. @ 10:09 am

 
It's true, Singapore is doomed. Power is going to the companies, they get lower wages, extra government help and all, while the citizens get CPF cuts, pay cuts, increases in public transport and healthcare and living expenses and all. So as to let the foreign investors come. For what? To make jobs? Maybe. But either way the citizens are getting poorer and more powerless, while companies have all the say. The way it's happenning in the USA. Any way to reverse this? I can't envision any. It's doomed. And I don't see any other way it could've progressed.

Music is doomed too, with hip-hop taking over, and fashion taking over true passion for music. Need I elaborate any more? Switch on the radio to get a whiff of the current sad situation. Most of music no longer interests me. I don't go to the shop everyday after the UK release date of the album just to grab it the day it appears in Singapore.

People around me are acting weird. I dunno. I just dunno. I want to sleep. Maybe I really should get help.
- posted by K. C. @ 7:23 pm

 
It's Teachers' Day today, and I didn't go to school, as in, my current school RJC. Stayed in bed till like 8, then I played some guitar and left home to RI, looking forward to meeting old friends, teachers, everyone in fact. Yeah before you read on I'll let you know that this is a happy-ish entry. Was really really really looking forward to meeting Fadzli and gang again.

Got off my bike and still sweaty, I met Jinfa and Shijia at the atrium. Oh the good old atrium, the part of RI I remember the most vividly, with all the past headmasters' photos hanging and all, the war memorial plaque, the dark corner behind the gigantic school crest. They happened to leave school early (though I wonder whatever for they went all the way there for), and yeah, as usual Shijia is the same old crappy self talking crap and depressing the hell out of me. So I went around the school looking for people I know, which means I bumped into Weizhen, who was preoccupied with looking for his academically-overinclined juniors.

Then, I received a SMS from Chin Guan so went looking for him at 3G. Nice to meet you too! Didn't really get a chance to talk to you my friends were like all arriving then.

Met Fadzli finally, then went around talking to all the teachers Mrs Madeline Maas aka Ms Maddie Yeo, Mrs Lim aka Ms Tan, Mr Ong, Mrs Low, Mr Krishnan, Mrs Quah (though she didn't teach me before) and Mrs Yap. So many teachers! Somehow this time they suddenly appeared all at once. Had a rather nice time talking to them actually. Fadhly was there too, and so after a while the gang of 4P, Fadzli, Fadhly, Liang Kun, Conghan and me went to Burger King@Novena for lunch, Junction 8 being hideously crowded and all. Decided to go to Orchard next to watch a movie so we decided on S.W.A.T. which was a rather OK movie if you look at it as a pure action film. Too bad I dididn't really appreciate being slightly depressed or something. But still, the characters are quite nice, if you ignore the caricatures.

Went to HMV and looked around, a bit sad cause there's a lack of new stuff these days. And went around Heeren looking at clothes, then Conghan was mentioning that very soon we'll be wearing formal mature stuff in the future so there's not much point buying something we won't get to wear much anymore. The thought depresses me. I mean, does growing up have to be boring? Men in plain shirts and ties and black pants talking shop talk over lunch and in leisure time, playing golf and doing all the formal boring adult stuff. That's bloody depressing imagery. It's like we're going to be stripped of our identities and passions, only to be left as a mass-created shell only concerned about making money for the family. I swear I'm not going to have such a life. I'm being what I want to be even if it hurts or something. Shouldn't everyone? It's obviously more meaningful. Unless you can't tell the difference between 'meaning' and 'money', and that is not too uncommon.

Went hanging around and stoning (a dying art, a fading pastime, if you ask me), Liang Kun bought this assorted candy at the shop there. Some were great, the blue dolphins weren't.

Then we went home, eventually. I miss my friends.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:53 pm

 
Went cycling today. My brand new speedometer says:
Distance: 25.0 km
Average speed: 18.9 km/h
Time: something like 1:29 but I'm not sure
Max speed: 38.4 km/h ...nice

I don't have much to talk about today anyway so here goes....I'm clicking Post and publish.
- posted by K. C. @ 8:09 pm

 
OK, 12 days. Now the counter is reset. Nevermind if you don't understand. Dunno why but when it happens I feel a lot better after that.

Anyway yesterday I bought this cool Adidas cap at Tampines, a cool red colour, with black sides. I thought it looked great, and it's one of those super lightweight Climacool kinds so it's not bad, for 20 bucks. Got a Cateye speedometer too, now I can gauge my speed and pace myself. It's great really, then I can actually have something to focus on so that I can gauge my improvement. Used to gauge myself by finding the steepest hill I can climb, but now I can climb almost any on-road hill with only some diffculty so speed is the thing I'm improving on.

One of my classmates said I tend to have mood swings or something, and he says I have a split personality. Of course, me being rather well-versed in the intricacies of psychology, thought he was referring to manic depression. Maybe I do have that, but probably it's just cause I feel more than others. Not a very good thing, really, considering all the shit I go through, but still it's better than being an emotionless zombie.

Today I was thinking, maybe I'd have more popular if I were more flawed, as in, obviously, visibly flawed. I know it's a sick idea, but I mean, there's a uniqueness to flawed people. It's human instinct, curiosity, and people would start looking in to see more about the flaw, and along the way the can be social interaction. It sucks yeah, people looking in and all over due to your flaws, but it's better than fading into mediocricity, being absolutely unoriginal and eventually end up in a crowd where everyone is really alone. Cause they're all the same. Me, I'm not flawed enough, or rather I hide my flaws. I dunno. If I let go of that pretence I'd be flawed enough for people to care. I dunno, but pretence is a comfort to me. It sucks to be nobody, but letting go of a pretence is akin to opening the pandora's box, it's hard to predict what people actually feel and think.

I feel like the persona in Radiohead's Creep. I'm a weirdo for sure, I probably don't belong where I am and I wish I were special. I don't care if it hurts. I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul.

Songs of the day I heard on the radio that I liked - Eagle Eye Cherry's Are You Still Having Fun and Staind's So Far Away.
- posted by K. C. @ 1:23 pm

 
I'm a wreck. My school work's down the drain, I have trouble sleeping, and I'm close to self-destruction. I dunno, but everyone seems to snatch the longer end of the stick away. Which means I'm left with nothing.

You know the feeling of tiredness but your thoughts keep on wrecking your brain, and you never really fall asleep? It's gonna happen again tonight I bet. Though last night I managed to ward off the worst that could happen, by the skin of my teeth. Can I keep up with it? Stay tuned to this blog, the reality-Internet show of extreme decadence and sufferring. Welcome, welcome. Probe me if you wish. But going out to a movie or a short bike ride or a simple conversation would be nice.

The Man Don't Give A Fuck

The Stereophonics

Spent some dimes in stormy weather
Under clouds of my dilemma
Now there's nothing much to do
But sit and rot in front of televisions
Staring back at me
I'm just waiting for the microwaves
To wash me into the sea

You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they

Out of focus ideology
Keep the masses from majority
Head space brainwashed, tumble dried
Left to bleed whilst vultures glide

You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they

You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else

You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't give a fuck about anybody else
You know they don't



- posted by K. C. @ 10:30 pm

 
Guess what, I'm happy.

But oh no this is gonna be yet another bike-obsessed entry, you get the idea.

Decided to bike this morning, as I was too busy to get any _real_ biking done yesterday, (except for the horrid commute to Bishan MRT and the bike adjustments at the void deck.) 9.30 am and I left home with my bike and my water bottle, after some semblance of breakfast.

Typical Old Upper Thomson Road route of course, and today, to my pleasant surprise, bikes outnumber cars about 2:1. Cycled past like a zillion pros there, one guy with a damn colourful Trek bike, and a roadie clad in all red. Reached the reservoir park, when a large pack of MTBers cycled in some time after me. A big bunch of 20+ people or so, all looking very professional with helmets and high end bikes (a titanium Litespeed, a couple of Giant XTCs, an assortment of Cannondales, an orange Trek, two Scotts and more, all cleaned and shined), and my bike, though rather expensive, was the lowest end of them all. Decided to tag along, and I went ahead before them, only to end up being overtaken at the end of the hills where I rested for a while, even though I was pushing a little harder than usual. Man they're good. Then tagged along at the back along the rest of the flat road, where they had a rather erratic pace, and I had trouble catching up towards the end. Sigh. I'm weak. Then they turned into Upper Thomson Road (presumably to Mandai Road then T15), while I, being less ambitious, turned around. A really short period riding with the pros, but it felt really nice. So that's why Gerald speaks with such interest about such encounters.

I learnt a couple of things today: Riding in a lower gear can let you go even faster, if your cadence (pedals per second) drops too far below your optimum. And when you shift gears, do what I call 'cluctching', which is to legt go of the pressure on the pedals while you shift, cause the shifts will be super smooth.

It's so nice to ride with the pros. The physical exertion helps too, so in a way it counts as doing something to feel better, if you get what I mean. You probably don't understand.
- posted by K. C. @ 12:10 pm

 
The Stereophonics' cover of the Beatles' Don't Let Me Down, from their I am Sam soundtrack, is excellent. I like both versions as much.

Today was hectic. Morning was bio pract session, for a final viewing and memorising of the slides before the bio labs close for exam preps. Nothing much to talk about, except the fact that Kupffer cells and nodes of Ranvier and Islets or Langerhans aren't particularly fascinating stuff.

Met an ex-classmate there, who asked about whether certain things that had happened a couple of years ago still happen. Had to lie though, I can't imagine what his response would be if I told the truth. The simplest of things can be so hard to explain. It might not seem simple to most people, but to me it is. There is little complexity in doing things to feel better. Sorry, but I had to lie.

Then it was the journey back home, a walk, then a train ride and a bicycle sprint (decided to use the bike today instead of taking a bus as buses are infrequent on Saturdays.) It was a great idea in the morning when I could feel the breeze and all, but in the sweltering sun of the afternoon, I simply melted. And I made an error of judgement of going across raised sewer-holes at high speed. They rattled the daylight out of me, almost.

Went out again, to Ang Mo Kio, for that class lunch thingie, at Breeks@Ang Mo Kio. It's a farewell for our teacher Mr. Ho. His wife as there, and yeah we learnt a bit more about him. That's the only good thing about it, except maybe the interaction with one or two friends. Depressing place, nowhere as good as the other branches. The decor was plain and minimalist, and so were the servings of food. Had the misfortune of sitting in one corner of the restaurant with few people to talk to, at the far perimeter of where all the conversation was going on. Super depressing. I didn't try to mask the fact that that spot was fucking boring and depressing. I walked to the other table for some random banter before the food was served. The baked pasta was then served, which was short of NYDC@Suntec quality. Finished it, then dragged my chair to the other table to join in the conversation. Didn't bother about the people I was initially sitting with. I simply can't communicate well with them. I get the feeling that no matter what, I get pushed to a corner, a corner where I can't communicate or even joke around with, cause they don't like me. I dunno why. People have started hating me since when I was age 10 or something.

If only people'd give more respect and all. It'd be nice, but with my self-perpetuating reputation of being some hateable freak, it's hard. Well who cares, if they're the type to dislike me then it's not worth getting to know them. Just don't disturb me.

As expected, the class's idea of wanting to watching a movie after that fell through. The class, as I've said before, is simply too unenthusiastic for this. But then I don't care. It's depressing wnough as it is. All I can have are the memories of my previous classes.

On to some bike obsession:
There's this bike parked at Ang Mo Kio, a Mongoose full-suspension with Shimano Altus groupset parked unattended onto a pillar. With the high bike theft rates in Singapore, now that is plain dumb.
I adjusted my dees and the saddle angle and fore/aft adjustment today while riding at the void deck (rain rain go away...). So yeah my bike has a perfect fit and adjustment now. (I'm referring to my GT, the old bike isn't worth the effort to optimise.)

On another note, it seems that RI psychologist Alvin Goh reads the blogs of the students he know (and their friends) and leaves comments here and there unabashedly. Scary. So far from what I know from the blogs I read he's 1. a nice guy, 2. he tries very hard, sometimes too hard but it's out of concern 3. he looks like a cockroach (but it's common in RI, considering the female cockroach who used to teach in Lit Dept) 4. he looks Malay. 5. he wants to be involved in his job. Generally, a good impression, but not perfect. At least better than taht person who warmed his seat before he went to RI.

I'm rambling. Goodnight.
- posted by K. C. @ 9:59 pm

 
If you're obsessive-compulsive about the nitty gritty of optimising your derailieurs and whatever on your bike you have to read this manual: Barnett's Bicycle Manual. The webby has most of the chapters of the book in PDF form.


- posted by K. C. @ 10:49 pm

 
Sigh.
- posted by K. C. @ 3:36 pm

 
Chemistry Test. Did absolutely shittily. Wrote too little, too unclear, didn't use the expected keywords. Guess inorganic chem is all about memorising and there's no way to fake my way through like I did for physical chem. Maths test was OK, except for the fact that 1. I was maths rep and had to collect the papers, 2. I made the mistake of assuming that the attendance of the class in the morning still applied for the rest of the day, 3. people in my class have an unusual tendency to disappear from lessons.

So I assumed that there were 25/26 students present, so I collected 25. Then the test finished without fanfare and I had to collect the scripts. OH SHIT! Only 23, plus one blank question paper. One question paper is unaccounted for. Caused a grand hoo-hah until it was found, it being passed around the class aimlessly. Irked the teachers a little, really, but it was nobody's fault in particular, though I felt guilty. Blame it on the lack of class spirit and enthusiasm of my classmates. No one seems to be bothered by anything. People walk in and out of the classes, depending on how well they can get away with cutting the class. It isn't supposed to be like this. In the RI days people went to school for the social interaction, even if the classes were truly meaningless. But I know myself, eventually, I end up accepting fate as it is and end up blaming myself for making the error of not counting the number or people present. (Though no other maths rep does that, in the last test I noticed I was about the only one doing that.) Cause so many things are my fault. And it's hard to tell if something's my fault, cause too little people own up to their own so I don't know if it's actually my fault rather than theirs.

On IRC there's this guy that bugs me day after day aboyut bicycle maintenence. Asking technical questions that I do not bother with, asking for opinions which I can't answer, I mean, can't he make up his mind on his personal preferences? I'm going to try to ignore him. people should ask less, and experiment more. Especially when it comes to bicycle equipment.

I feel sleep deprived though I can't seem to fall asleep at the right times.


- posted by K. C. @ 9:23 pm

 
Slightly less depressed today I should say, mainly cause I slept well on the train to school (I'm having sleeping problems, living days in a half-asleep stupor while being unable to fall asleep properly.) I didn't sleep properly the night before that, had a creepy dream about being arrested by some government spies for a murder I did not commit, then being interrogated for it. I remember the harshly-lit interrogation area, and being driven from Jurong to Changi Prison in the spy's car. being unable to sleep well is one classic sign of mental decline.

My cellphone is fucked up. I can't hear any voices on it. I think it's permanent. Stupid cellphones. probably made in China just like anything that doesn't last.

Chem Practical Test results today, barely scraped an A, any lower and it'd be a B. Not too bad though, considering that it was a disaster for many. Another mockery of tests and examinations. I didn't study, the rest did, but I scored better. The times I consciously try to study I screw up in turn.

Tomorrow's Maths and Chem test, probably will screw up, but I know it's just cause of my temporary decline of mental health. Wish me luck, cause that's the only thing that will help.

I hate my life more and more.

Oh BTW GT has put up the bike I bought recently on the catalogue. It's a GT Avalanche 2.0 2004.

- posted by K. C. @ 8:38 pm

 
Staind - Open Your Eyes
(written and performed by Staind)

As I walk along these streets
I see a man that walks alone
Distant echo of peoples feet
He has no place to call his own
A shot rings out from a roof over head
A crack head asks for change nearby
An old man lies in an alleyway dead
A little girl lost just stands there and cries

What would you do, if it was you
Would you take everything for granted like you do?

A boy just 13 on the corner for sale
Swallows his pride for another hit
Overpopulation there's no room in jail
But most of you don't give a shit
That your daughters are porno stars
and Your sons sell death to kids
You're so lost in your little worlds
Your little worlds you'll never fix

What would you do, if it was you
Would you take everything for granted like you do?

You turn away
As I walk along the streets
Soaking up the cold rain
Underneath the taxi cabs
I hear the streets cry out in vain

What would you do, if it was you
Would you take everything for granted like you do?
- posted by K. C. @ 9:06 pm

 
How was my day like? Depressing.

Assembly talk, about some propaganda about Singaporeans having their views heard by the Government, with the beeeeg G. Surprised I bet. It's simply lame. Then it was this forum where people go to the microphone to rant their views, which probably no one bothers with anyway. I spent the time more productively by trying (with reasonable success) to understand S8: Hypothesis Testing.


GP. The horror of existence. The phrase of the day. From Nietzsche for Beginners. The horror of existence was the basis of Greek Tragedy, or at least the early ones. Normally, during GP essay, I'd just grit my teeth and finish the essay in class within less than an hour, and be one of the first few to hand in. This time I was too depressed to do it. Couldn't find the strength. Ended up with a feeble plan for the essay, and two measly introductary paragraphs. I worry for my mental health.

What should I do when I'm depressed? Fadzli says go have fun just for 1 day with my friends, preferably away from anything that reminds me of mugging, away from home. No go. Not even a movie. My 'friends' just want to mug by themselves. Amazing they never need to de-stress. Is it that I'm not fit for the tortures of academia? Probably. Ideally I still want to run a small shop for a living. Not to work in a stressful office.

Grrrrrrrr. I don't exactly know anyone anymore I'm more or less alone. The only thing that cheered me up was talking to Weizhen about something that cuts across meanings. Communicating in allusions and imagery and indirect referrences about the unspeakable. Does he know that the claws have fallen again? I dunno. Sharpen your mind and you shall hurt.


- posted by K. C. @ 9:04 pm

 
Yes I did buy the Staind CD, from the wonderful shop Gramophone in Capital Centre around City Hall. They sell CDs real cheap considering it's smack in the middle of the city. It's above expectations, generally. Better than Puddle of Mudd, at least.

Dinner. Shall blog more when I come back.
- posted by K. C. @ 7:01 pm

 
You know what? I'm addicted to Staind's Outside. Went to J8 to look for their CD with that song, but alas, they only have that latest album, which has Price to Pay which I don't really like. Haven't heard the other songs though. Price to Pay doesn't touch the raw emotions as much as Outside does, neither does it have a tune as radio-friendly as It's Been A While.

I dunno, if I had as much money as I wanted (which I don't, of course, after splurging on my dream bicycle, which indeed was worth the money, but expensive still) I'd buy the Stereophonic's latest, You Gotta Go There To Come Back which has two of my favourites Madame Helga and Maybe Tomorrow. And the Manic Street Preachers' B-sides compilation Lipstick Traces, but it'd be costly cause it's an import.

If I really got a cheque with a one followed by six zereos before the dot, I'll get Longview's album too, and Jane's Addiction's just for one song Just Beacuse. I admit to hating the song at first but it simply grew onto me. Nice melody. Not that I care for their lyrics actually. There are three kinds of good songs: 1. One with a good tune and rhythm, 2. One with really great poignant lyrics and an ok melody, 3. Both of those combined. I'm ok with all the types.

There's this obscure band called Funeral for a Friend that made it into the UK charts with Juneau. That song is actually quite wonderful, though it isn't particularly attractive or original. Though Electric Six's Gay Bar is simply lame despite its more-than-average tune. Sometimes a really lame theme can spoil a melody.

Am getting to like Metallica's St Anger, a song that practically marks Metallica's rise from the dead (having seen a lack of really good songs from them since a really long time). It's angsty, it's focused and it's well-done, in short. No major musical or lyrical faux pas either. (Note: a classic lyrical faux pas would be Avril Lavinge's attempt to rhyme 'boi' with 'boy'. She must have scored really poorly in Literature.)

Oh wait, am I the only guy in the world who can ramble on and on and on about popular music?
- posted by K. C. @ 8:45 pm

 
I'm falling sick again, maybe it's an apt reflection of my soul. Runny nose and lethargy, and a sore throat that started a few days ago. Ugh. Hope I'll become sick enough to skip school.
- posted by K. C. @ 3:22 pm

 
Gee I sounded drunk. But it's the lack of sleep actually.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:12 am

 
When I'm feeling down I come online.

I've been coming online a lot.

Feeling down and studying are mutually exclusive for me, though it seems to be two independent events for most people. My mind is a null set. Empty, devoid of the happiness I deserve, and barren of the art of manipulating numbers, the science of forces and particles, the mystery of living cells and the jumble of atoms and molecules.

No matter how late I sleep I wake up too early. Feel drained, eyes droopy, etc.

Staind is a great band I should buy their CD. Their album version of Outside rocks much better than the live one with Fred Durst, having only heard the latter previously. Am turning to angsty music a lot these days. Anger and depression in males are closely related according to psychiatry exterts who write articles for the Readers' Digest and health websites.

The house is quiet except for the music from the high-quality computer speakers. They don't make speakers this good anymore, at least for PCs. But still they help me drown out the silence. I can't stand silence. Thoughts become too loud. 99% of the time when I'm commuting on the train or bus I have earphones stuck in my ear canals. And that is why I invested in a good pair, the highest-end ones by Panasonic. Not too fashionable but at least it's silver and has excellent quality. Don't get Sony cause they break easily and aren't that good. Sennheiser headphones are ok but the earbuds don't last.

Should cycle today, or I'd bee too depressed to do anything at all. Cycling is exercise. Exercise produces endorphins. But didn't cycle much lately cause of the gloomy weather.

It's an effort just to know if it's going to rain, so that I could cycle.

Maybe the world's actually getting better, but my mind is probably holding me back to the comfort of the past. But it's hard to believe that at my age, when people are openly admitting their selfishness and apathy, when friendships sour into a congealed mess of mecenary transactions. he'll help you only if you help him in return, and along the way he'll find a way to get the longer end of the stick. Alturism loses.

In the papers they mentioned New Yorkers having a good party in the dark during the blackout, where strangers start socialising to pass the time and people consume beer and ice-cream rabidly as the freezers and refrigeraters were warming up. Sounds fun. Too bad, in selfish and antisocial Singapore, people would rather let their ice-cream melt and their beer go sour than to give them to people who want them. Maybe in another 20 years, but probably not. I used to believe that it's the asian culture and behaviour, but how come it's only Singaporeans who talk about this? My net pals in the rest of asia seem to have much friendlier countrymates. Maybe not Malaysia, but i won't know.

I'm just a failure. A creep. I don't get any respect. The people I know would rather do crosswords on the train rather than talk to me. You know, I should start making better friends. All those of us who still believe in the sanctity of friendships, all those who don't feel thjat transactions make up a friendship, all those who like cycling or alternative music or photography or literature or psychology or computers (not that hard actually, many cyclists like photography, many people love alternative music and the Internet no matter what, though I never seem to be around any of them at school.) or whatever, we should like form a group of friends, more than just accquaintances or transactors, but friends. Unlikely, but it'd be nice.

Me, the cynical idealist.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:59 am

 
Sucky day. Rained, cloudy, humid, depressing. Once the sky cleared I cycled to AMK library to look around. Felt that a book or two would cheer me up. The cycle there was terrible, since I was using my old bike.

The seat was too low, and I was too used to the comfort of the old bike. I can't use my good bike cause I had to lock the bike outside the library, and Singapore isn't exactly safe for bikes. To add insult to the injury, the journey there is a bumpy uphill.

AMK library wasn't too bad, except I didn't see any abnormal psychology books, they were all the crap about hyperactive kids and overcoming depression and numerous titles with the word 'prozac' in them. Read something about male aggression, which only concluded with the inconclusive. Then met my primary school friend Dilun, didn't see him for like what... 6 years? Though I recently got into contact with him on ICQ. I didn't exactly recognise him when he called my name and I first saw him, six years is a damn long time. Or is it I don't recognise faces well enough, which wouldn't be surprising considering my crappy brain.

So my catch today was Philip K Dick's Minority Report, Some books about Nietzsche, a book about quarter-life crisis (curiosity, not self-help), Sylvia Plaths bell jar, wanted to re-read it.

I redid my blog today, needed a new blog name, and a customised template so now I have them.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:51 pm

 
I could've handled it better.
But old habits die hard.
- posted by K. C. @ 8:18 pm

 
School is meaningless. Boring lectures, we forget everything anyway, then only brute force memorisation works. Sucks.

Today was a short day, so went back to RI, since I was feeling nostalgic. All the good days, the carefree days where we worked and played. Felt really nice walking around the ground floor of RI again, noting how RI created memories, the brown tiled floor, the atrium, the students at the piano, the teachers, the whole atmosphere. RJC won't evoke this kind of memories, never. Cause we know that it's just some senseless place where people eviscerate themselves mugging their guts out.

Maddie Yeo wasn't there, so I went to the canteen for lunch. The malay food stall was still there, but the food wasn't that great anymore, but still rather pleasant. Though really expensive. $2.40. Gobbled it all up, despite not being really hungry. There was a softball match going on, some school I didn't really see, but they were clad in gay-looking sleeveless tees. RI looked much more formidable with their black sleeves and all.

Went back to the staff room, and Maddie Yeo was busy so couldn't really talk. She forgot what she wanted to say to me! Nevermind then, probably nothing significant.

You know, I missed the days when school mattered, we learnt stuff, we played, we had enough free time to socialise and to keep sane. Friendships were close, there's wasn't too much competition to keep people apart. The teachers actually cared for your welfare, they remember your names.

Now, it's all loneliness.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:23 pm

 
I still don't know what possessed me to write that essay. Trust me, I don't actually believe anything in what I wrote. I believe in freedom, respect, compassion and all. Maybe I was just satirising, maybe I was simply cynical. Or maybe I was trying to get back at Lee Chye Keow for making us do an essay that we really really didn't want to do. Probably caused my frenzy to write it immediately after she gone down the class list name after name for the essay. Finished it after Chem lecture, at an amazingly prolific rate, and felt proud of it for a while. It's been two weeks and she herself would probably be frustrated at the abyssmal numbers of essays handed in. I don't know why I did that.

Today in GP we were discussing yesterday's question, about whether life would be meaningless if we had no control of our destiny or something like that. Stupid question. Does she really expect any definite arguments? All she got was opinions anyway. While GP was going on I wrote a list of reasons of why life is meaningless.

Life is meaningless. Why?
There is no way to prove that life is better than death.
The religious can reconcile with the above, but religion cannot be proven.
We die anyway, so might as well shorten the pain.
We lose more than we win - there's so many losers, but only one winner.
Satisfaction is biological. Fufillment is just the process of nerve receptors filling up with neurotransmitters.
The human mind is inherently selfish and evil.
Me included.
If I'm biased what right do I have to claim the truth in my words?
Life is mostly boring.
Life is unfair.
Little in our lives can be controlled.
It's hard to prove that anything has value.
Values, religions and beliefs are probably artificial and man-made.
The human memory is flawed abd imperfect.
Freedom? As if.
We forget too much, too often.
Humans feel much more physical pain than physical pleasure.
All pleasure is selfish.
Even when people help others, it's to satisfy their own will.
Anybody can die, but life goes on.
We ultimately worship pieces of paper with arbitrary numbers printed on them.
Nobody ever agrees on anything.
Free will might be but an illusion.
Most people are ugly.
Even the most beautiful things in the world is ugly in its own way.

BUT
Death is equally meaningless.

- posted by K. C. @ 8:59 pm

 
Hope I don't get hauled up to the counsellors for this GP essay.

Lately, there has been prolific talk among non-governmental organisations in Singapore about how the individual civil rights of citizens should be respected and granted. This issue has brought one major dilemma to open debate, which is whether individual civil rights should be compromised for the good of the community, and the extent which would be acceptable.

We have to consider the limited benefits of individual civil rights to the community as a whole, and the numerous disadvantages such as increased costs, loss of precious resources that could have benefited the society, and social disharmony. Keeping in mind that the success of a country matters much more than the rights of individuals, there is simply little benefit to give individuals any civil rights.

The respect of individual civil rights have yet to show any tangible contribution to a country’s progress. To date, countries which have relinquished their power to censor have not shown any consequential increase of national profit. The right to personal choice of religion does more harm than good, as religion is inherently a financial liability. Churches, monasteries, temples and mosques worldwide seldom make a profit, and often result in the loss of national resources to the building and running of these unnecessary establishments. Freedom to appeals in the judicial system serves only to hold back the already backlogged queues for the over-utilised courts of Singapore. More pragmatically speaking, the benefit of letting every convict a fair trial pales in comparison to the immense opportunity cost due to costly judicial expenses. In short, freedom is costly, and serves little purpose other than to satiate the juvenile, short-sighted cravings of the masses.

The resources lost to providing for civil rights can me much more prudently spent by the country. Time and money can be better spent on increasing national export, which would in turn further build up a country’s economic strength and clout. Only which such power would a country be able to extend its influence geographically. Despite their lack of popularity, it is indisputable that Nazi Germany in the 1940s had successfully developed itself into a manufacturing superpower, using resources that would have otherwise been lost in the marble facades of churches, frivolous litigation and the farce of subsidised healthcare, the very political diseases that plague the part of Europe that proclaims itself to be modern. Careful observation would show that the economic and political strength of Britain and the EU has dwindled drastically in the past decades, due to senseless funding for individual civil welfare and rights.

Detractors, however, claim that the care of individual civil welfare and rights is able to boost the morale of workers, and to prevent riots and rebellions. The former may seem practical in theory, but in history, the contrary has shown to be true. The proletariat has a habit of making use of the so-called individual civil rights to justify their slothiness, and in addition manipulate the alleged freedom of basic needs to beg for welfare funding. Civil rights often end up conferring laggards privileges that they do not deserve. Admittedly, the relinquishment of individual civil rights has a tendency of instigating rebellions, but there is little that judicious culling cannot prevent.

In fact, with sufficient action taken, a society with little or no individual civil rights can function much more harmoniously than the societies typical of today. Get rid of the right to vote, and political conflicts will be minimised. Get rid of freedom of speech, and no one will speak out of step. Get rid of a free media, and the government will then be able to supply only accurate and relevant information exclusively. People will still try to protest or rebel, but the cost of maintaining a militia and the expense of a few well-aimed bullets is much more economical than other commonly used, but yet ineffective methods of social control.

In a more local context, the significance of individual civil rights is simply irrelevant, and thus a waste of resources. Political freedom is unnecessary, as past trends have shown that the Peoples’ Action Party has been in rule for almost three decades, and thus abolishing elections would save the country millions of dollars in saved campaigning expenses and logistics. In the first place, Singaporeans do not crave freedom of speech. The Speakers’ Corner at Hong Lim Park has almost been continually empty, with no Singaporeans willing to speak in the first place, with the exception of a few political comedians such as Chee Soon Juan who only ends up getting himself hauled into the courts.

Singapore’s economic strength can be further enhanced by abolishing religion and elaborate judicial systems, as to save national reserves. Summary judgements would be much more cost effective and quick, and punishments should consist of profitable conscription to labour, rather than money-wasting jail terms. Detractors may sat that this is inhumane, but whether a country’s government is humane has much less economical impact than the presence of more assets itself. Foreign investors may be wary of Singapore, but an increase of geographical influence area can easily make us self-sufficient, the way Japan in the 1940s was. It is actually practical as Singapore has a manpower base of one million operationally ready troops and an extensive equipment and logistics system.

Thus it can be seen that there is absolutely no need for individual civil rights, and that they can, and should be fully sacrificed, for the good of the community.

- posted by K. C. @ 9:15 pm

 
Been tiring myself out lately, with 70km on a bike on Friday, watching National Day Parade on the next day, so I'm lazing around today, relishing the pain I accumulated. Sore muscles, a scraped shin, and fatigue.

Was supposed to watch movie today, but couldn't find enough people. Wish I had more friends, really good ones who honour friendships. Two or three of my friends are, but probably that's all. It might sound lame, but I believe in honour.

But nevermind, had a great time cycling on Friday, nevertheless. Met Gerald at Potong Pasir, then went back o Bishan to meet up with the teachers at RI, so we met Mr Ong and chatted for a while, and Mrs Maas(Ms Yeo), though she was busy at that time. Went to do the Old Upper Thomson Road Dizzyingly-steep-hills, then onwards to Cycleworx at Upper Thomson. Already I was starting to tire, I'm weak. The hot sun and continuous cycling was engulfing me, and I felt like some weak haggard creature, thighs burning and shins cramping. Went back the other way on Upper Thomson, to Mandai Avenue then Mandai Road. Had to rest at some flyover, really severely exhausted. Was using up water at an incredible rate, and despite having refilled at RI, I was going to run out too early. Checked the route, then went on. Loved the scenery at Mandai Avenue, tranquil reservoir on one side, green vegetation on the other, and shade all over.

Then the rolling hills of Mandai Road. Shift to middle chainring, cog 3 or 4, push the pedals till it hurts, see the peak, then glide down on the maximum gear. Repeated that for countless cycles. It was really exhausting, and we went on and on, not knowing where our destination (Track 15) was. Gee, how would I have survived if not for my new bike with those low gears.

When we reached Woodlands Road, it was like, damn! We had reached the end of Mandai Road without noticing Track 15. Must've missed it. Went to the Shell mart and wanted to get food + water, but decided against it. The prices were increulously steep, the two malay store assistants there looked extremely grumpy, maybe to the point of anger or hatred or whatever, as though we had killed their mother or something. Decided to find an NTUC instead, which was a cycle to Yew Tee MRT.

Gooood idea. We had to do this insanely long climb along with the trucks in the area, in the hot sun. We promptly decided to give up the pursuit temporarily at the end of it, eating at a coffeeshop while we got our senses back. Chicken cutlet rice: $3, canned drink $1.20. Cheaters. Most places it's just $1, and the rice was underportioned and lacking in taste. We had difficulty locating the NTUC when we reached there but what was worse was:

NTUC had no isotonic drinks! Not even unfrigerated ones! So I just paid for the museli bars and we went to the provision shop to get a 1.5L of 100 Plus Lemon Lime (the new flavour, but I prefer the plain one). Museli bars: $4.50, 100 Plus: $2.00.

Headed backwards along Mandai Road (climb after climb after climb, with some phantom downhills; those parts where you go over a peak and expect to freewheel down, only to find that it's still an uphill gradient, only less steep) and finally to Mandai Lake Road, where we missed Track 15 yet again and climbed a particularly draining uphill for nothing. Finally ended up at Track 15.

Gunshots heard in the background (army training somewhere in the forest), gate with red signs warning against tresspassing. We were unsure whether to proceed, so we vacillated for a while and Gerald asked a passing guy if he knew about any bike trail. Then, we finally went in, reassured that we won't cycle out with bulletholes through our chests.

Track 15 was insane, and I would probably list a suspension fork and insanely low gear ratios as a necessity. As in, a named brand suspension fork (not those Zoom brand ones on rental bikes), and a bike with the smaller-style chainrings (i.e., 8 speed or 9 speed) that lets you have that heavenly 22-28 or 22-30 ratio. You got it right, the chainring has less teeth than the cog in this case.

After having ridden (or having pushed the bike up) every part of Track 15, we dragged our mentally and physically drain bodies back to Mandai Road (very exhausted, thighs aching) then Upper Thomson Road (fatigued, systemic pain) then Old Upper Thomson Road (any more and I'll start to hallucinate). Was really behind Gerald after the beginning climb, and my speed was like half of my usual. Old Upper Thomson Road never seemed sooooo long. Saw a cool GT bike with Police printed on it, yellow and black. A couple of roadies went past on the other direction too. Felt really akward riding so slowly among the pros. To add to the insult, I've already dried all my water supplies.

Had to rest on the grassy area by the road, after feeling completely drained. Good thing it was a downhill segment next, my favourite in fact. Bombed the way down, feeling refreshed. We went to my house, where Gerald got a water refill, and I finally got rest. Ouch, I was aching all the way.

--

National Day Parade was crap. Crowds, waiting, the hot sun, boredom. I don't want to talk about it, other than the fact that I took some lousy photos.

--

I was thinking today that lately, my cycling habit has become sort of a distraction from the sadness within me. Whenever I feel down, I cycle. Whenever I cycle, I forget everything, and focus only on climbing the next uphill or keeping myself straight on the dirt path. The sadness simply goes away. So what if my life is screwed up, so what if everything's going wrong, this hill or tough terrain needs immediate attention! When I'm tired all I want to do is to ride myself home; everything else can wait. And thus I distract myself from the thoughts in my head. Beginning from her death, I've been riding on my GT, with all the energy I have, to the extent of fatigue and pain. (I dunno, is it that I crave pain? Considering my circumstances that would be a logical explaination.) I suppose, I would have coped with it in a different way if I didn't have this distraction.

Mentally, I don't know if this is healthy or not. But I know cycling has given me a slightly impulsive, rash and angry temperment. But I've been more alert too, more alive, more mature. The thought of having to pace oneself back home at all costs, despite the pain and the fatigue, makes one more determined, more focused. Who cares. Cycling is what I really want to do, all the circumstantial benefits or costs are not going to affect my will to cycle.

In fact, come to think of it, cycling is the thing that keeps me sane right now. Everyone has his own distractions to turn to, and cycling is mine.
- posted by K. C. @ 5:34 pm

 
Would anyone spare a friend five more minutes? No one cares I suppose. It's each for his own, the world doesn't stop for those who fall. No Tour De France grace in the real world, cause being nice never works here.
- posted by K. C. @ 9:13 pm

 
The people at AJC know; Fadzli messaged me today, asking if we were all okay and all. I sorta explained that I was okay, said something about, at least, we all seem okay. Didn't sound convincing though, apparently. Chatted a bit about school life... mainly about how it's only a bit more (a bit less than half a year, before we end JC life proper) and we'll all be free. Maybe.

I wouldn't say the news spreads fast, but news never fails to leak to the rest of the world, no matter how the school tries to conceal it. I mean, death isn't something that can be shoved into the closet or covered up.

Still it's sad. Attempts to convince each other of the reasons why she did it, well, they are sprouting right now. And they're probably untrue. I don't want to disrespect her, I won't believe such rumours that have no backing. Do they think there can be any one-word answer? Suicide is complex. One has to have much more than only one reason to want to take one's life. Don't ever think that a single breakup or a single setback can drive someone to suicide. It's much more complex.

Had a bad day today. Monday, and I remember how crappy school life is. Everyone seems to ignore me. It feels more lonely than being alone. Everyone's nasty to each other. School's mundane and boring. There's nothing happy that anyone wants to talk about. Where are the days where we all used to talk about music, movies, and all the fun things around us? Nowadays it's all about school, homework, scholarships and all.
- posted by K. C. @ 9:00 pm

 
Windows is not working right.... mouse hovers don't seem to work reliably. How?
- posted by K. C. @ 12:03 am

 
It's official. I never get everything right. Everything I touch crumbles. There's no hope.

I didn't win anything. Depressing sight. All the posters labelled with gold, sliver, bronze or purple ribbon. What's the point for staying, when all is lost? None. Cut your losses. Go back. And that is what I did. Without registering my attendance. Simply packed up and left, the way Holden Caulfield did the night he left Pencey. ("Sleep tight, ya morons!")

Stop 1: School. Scholarship talks. Mundane stuff. had a chat with Shin Eik (random banter about school blazers and etc) and Charles Tan (which scholarships are linked to careers which have good prospects). MAS talk was very typical, so I assumed that the rest were similar. Decided to go to the Suntec City Straits Times scholarships talk, but didn't bring ticket with me. Also, the rolled up sleeves I were wearing were bothering the hell out of me.

Stop 2: Home. Changed into more comfy clothes, had some semblence of a lunch, realised it was rather late, so took my old bike and took off to the MRT station. The efficiency of bike commuting is just scary. It's much faster than a bus, maybe twice as fast if you factor in bus waiting times. (Earlier today an expat overtook the bus I was in, on a Gary Fisher bike. I respect his consideration for safety. He signalled, and used a helmet.)

Stop 3: Suntec City. Tried numerous times to contact the two people I originally arranged to meet, but out of sheer bad luck or whatever, their phones simply kept on ringing, and no one answered. Fustration. Eventually sat with someone else in the room instead of the two of them.
I dunno. I've this feeling that my friends are no longer as close to me as before. They don't seem too interested in much anymore. Maybe I no longer know them as well. Gee I'm losing my friends. This sucks. Is the act of maintaining friendships something more tricky and troublesome than I've previously thought? Maybe.
The US Unis talk was boring. The UK one was much better, surely this is a representation of how the people of USA are the real actual boring gits. I mean, they don't have Goodness Gracious Me or Mind Your Language or Mr. Bean or Nick Hornby.
Then there ws this personality test thing, that is supposed to tell me that I'm as antisocial as hell, but careful (all crap), and determined (crap too) and stand to become a doctor, a civil engineer or a solicitor (probably crap too).
My friends are too muggerish to want to hang around the mall after the talk. Sad.

Stop 4: Home. Almost crashed into a few people crossing the road, on my bike. Gee gotta be more careful.

I screw up a lot, really. And I don't think you need much convincing to believe that.

- posted by K. C. @ 9:35 pm

 
I still can't get myself to use her name.
- posted by K. C. @ 9:00 pm