If you're a Singaporean student taking the Biology A-levels this year, then you probably already know. The practical paper is the most fucked-uped, screwded, crappiest paper ever done in recent history of JC students here. Experiment 1 was undoable, and the whole school was in a frentic panic. Irregularity reports galore. Dead beans, beans respiring too fast, everything possible. Respiratory quotient I got it wrong, for trusting my first hunch. Four mark explaination questions all over - I'll probably screw off half the marks or something. Indeed this is sad. This is one of those things that makes me feel completely hopeless about things. Major screw-ups. Heard some female scream when she sort of scalded herself, but nothing permanent it seems. I spilled near-boiling stuff from the test tube onto my hand too, but you know my kind of pain tolerance.

And I'm fucking unprepared for the A levels. This is fucked. I'm gonna screw my exams big time and end up as a nobody, yet again. The higher you go, the higher you have to fall from. So why try. In the end, I'm all by myself, I'm nobody special, I'm in a sad state, I'd be in continual problems I have to dredge myself out of, and it fucking sucks. Why even fall? Why even try? The last few years of my life has been dappled in shades of failure.

My hand hurts. Shouldn't have gone cycling yesterday, now the two chainring wounds (separated by the exact distance of the chain pitch of the typical multi-speed chain) are sort of swollen. Moral of the story? Keep grubby hands away from gears when doing anything on the bike.

If only I cound be happy. In a satisfied way, not just the superficial pleasures, but I need something that fills my soul like warm milk to an empty stomach.

A record 16 days, but I don't think it would last much longer. The days add up like cards stacked onto wobbly pyramids.

Yaay. Hail failure.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:26 am

 
Crammed about two thirds of what I have to today already, another 1/3 tonite. *I'm proud of myself. Who can study as hard as me in just one afternoon? All the theory topics I've covered already (they are IMPORTANT! Even in practicals.) So I'm left with a little animal histo and most of plant histo (much shorter than animal histo), and biochem (no toughie).

They played The Darkness's I Believe in a Thing Called Love on Power 98, which is a pleasant surprise, as radio hardly plays anything of that genre, especially so when it's from the UK. I think it was a remastered edition though, it doesn't have that tone of spontaneity in it. Or perhaps it's the fuzzy FM quality.

Listened to Smashing Pumpkin's 1979 for the first time in months. Took a close listen+look at the lyrics, and it's about the loss of sexual enthusiasm and passion since teenhood. Gee sounds like me. Also noticed the slow morph of Billy Corgan's style, from the slow, brooding Siamese Dream to the more radio-friendly stuff like Perfect and finally into Zwan.

Talk about reckless. This morning I did the AMK/YCK stretch (had to return library books, which were held in a plastic bag looped onto the handlebars and tied to the fork with a bungee cord), some parts at sprinting pace (peak at 36kmh), holding up cars trying to turn in with my sacred Right Of Way, using hand signals to assert my position, scaring driving students in their white SSDC Hondas following by overtaking them, pedalling hard into downhills (39kmh). When I'm in a foul moud I'm particularly reckless. After that I almost always feel much better though. But this is dangerous. I should try to find safer ways to cheer myself up. maybe afterall, I have depression, like the ads say. Heck, with my self-destructiveness, I am sure to qualify. But there's an antidote for me at least, but a very dangerous one.


- posted by K. C. @ 6:54 pm

 
Must. Make. Self. Study.

Damn. Need concentration.

Anyway this blog is slowly evolving into some music review thingie. (e.g. yesterday's sort-of-a Nick Hornby's 31 Songs, all literalists love music-- Philip Larkin's was a rabid jazz addict, Stephen King refers to songs of his era all over his books, so many books refer to various songs, and many go the whole nine yards to quote them.) Oh well. Not gonna spill my guts online anymore. Perhaps through various artistic forms e.g. prose + poetry, but not in expository style.

Yeah, so in the first few hours of today, I've come to hate Travis's Re-offender due to its everlasting dragginess, and got to love Elliot Smith's Rose Parade. That one, you have to listen to. It's easily one of the best alternative-folk songs I've heard. Maybe after listening to Elliot Smith I might eventually get to like Nick Drake. I dunno.

- posted by K. C. @ 12:21 pm

 
By chance, while I was looking for the latest songs of The Beautiful South (a British band that prides itself with its quirky lyrics, most notably that in the anti-anorexia Perfect 10), I sumbled across the song Song for Whoever which I recognised as one of those songs I grew up listening to. (The radio was perpetually switched on to Class 95, and I grew up on music. And radio. I was one of those who listened to Power 98 ever since they did test transmissions on what used to be the-mysterious-station-next-to-Perfect-10, and I can vouch to be a listener of Perfect 10 since their Mark Richmond days.) Nostalgia can be so sweet.

Seems like every nostalgic moment of mine is linked to music. There's memories linked to:
Mandy Moore's Only Hope -- Memories I don't want to rake up.

New Radicals' You Only Get What You Give and Collective Soul's Run -- Those two were introduced to me by Philip when I was at his house, but since 2001 he migrated to Australia

The Rolling Stones' Honky Tong Woman -- The very first rock and roll song I consciously listened, on my dad's cassette. Times have changed. I listen to it on a Rolling Stones Hot Rocks Greatest Hits Collection on CD now. My family adopted CDs rather early, since the days when cassettes outnumbered CDs.

Manic Street Preachers' No Surface All Feeling -- The Hotties, a band formed by my batchmates, played it. Too bad they only play soppy chinese love songs these days.

Any song from MTV Alternative Nation - It's some CD I bought when I went to HMV Orchard for the first time ever, with my brother. He recommended this to me. And I remember being in awe at the humongous collection of CDs there. I was still a kid then.

Spice Girls' Wannabe -- I admit I like the Spice Girls and their energy and their vibrancy. All the 5 girls each has a unique voice, that makes them so special. I remember sitting in front of the radio when I heard it for the first time on Class 95. Nothing special about this memory, but still I remember it. My primary school classmate Aileen used to like them. Lost contact with her though; I think she went NYGH.

Third Eye Blind's Semi-Charmed Life -- When I first heard it I knew I had to get the CD (at that time, I was a kid still). I don't regret it. Had to search a zillion shops around Singapore, and found it at Far East plaza.

Anything from Placebo's Without You I'm Nothing -- At one time I really loved Placebo, remembering it accompanying me home on bus 74 from Singapore Polytechnic every few Wednesdays. (in sec1-2 on Wednesdays I had this computer programming course)

Five For Fighting's Superman -- I used to hate it. Had a debate with Liang Kun about the merits about this song. We always tried to logicalise songs then, their melodic advantages, etc. Now I'm more open to mellower stuff (and at the same time, heavier stuff such as Rammstein and Metallica) so I like it.

Fools Garden's Lemon Tree -- It was back in 1997 I think. I wrote a parody to it called Shopping Spree and my classmates loved it. Those were the days.

Anything by P.O.D. -- The trip to Orchard to watch them live for free last year. Absolutely hated it. But met up with friends and was happy.

Eminem's Stan -- Inspired my friend's essay back then, something about an exposition about a crazed Stan-esque guy who "sometimes even cuts (him)self to see how much it bleeds", and thinks that "it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for (him)", and does "crazy shit". Quite a nice-but-weird read, the teacher liked it though. Maybe it was inspired by me too, I dunno.

RHCP's Other Side -- We played that for the old folks back at 2001 at Toa Payoh care corner. I was playing rhythm guits, Fadhly was lead, yeah, and we were all really really happy. I was like, high from it. If only such happy stuff happens these days.

Bad memories, good memories. Mostly good. I love music. Though it reminds me how much better life was then.

Theme song of my life: The Smashing Pumpkin's Mayonaise, someone on some internet chat room recommended it to me. From my intepretation of it, it's a song about taking a path in life apart from what everyone is, apart from the one expected of you, and also, ruined hope.

Music is my blood. take it away from me, and I don't know if I can live. All my memories, all my experiences, are etched in my mind alongside the music. I used to remember many of the people I know by the music they listen to. Now that people in my immediate social circle no longer listen to much music (RJC duh) I have found other ways though, but nothing is as beautiful as living a soundtrack as a life.

I guess that's about all. This post is depressing me. 13 days and still OK. Let's make it a few more days. Maybe I should try to sleep earlier today.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:27 pm

 
KC's guide to overhauling bicycle pedals
Notes: The alloy or plastic in the middle of the pedal is the pedal body. The long steel rod that goes through this is the spindle.

Tools required:
Philips screwdriver (large head)
Flat screwdriver (small head)
15mm long spanner
12mm socket spanner
Grease
Tweezers
Rags and old newspapers
Detergent/dishwashing liquid/degreaser (choose one) bath


1. Remove pedals. This is done using a long 15mm spanner, turning anticlockwise for the right pedal and clockwise for left pedal. Remember LEFT pedal is LEFT-hand threaded, RIGHT pedal is RIGHT-hand threaded.

2. There are several types of pedals, the most common non-clipless ones having a horseshoe-shaped metal strip attached to the pedal body by 4 screws. Pop off the reflectors, if any, using a small flat screwdriver and remove the screws. Remove metal horseshoe.

3. The end of the spindle is encased by a dust cap. Insert a flat screwdriver into the edge and pry it off.

4. Using a 12mm socket spanner, remove the locknut, then the washer. It helps if you secure the other end of the pedal with a vice. Now, the thing remaining on this side of the spindle is the bearing cone. Holding the bearing cone still using a flat screwdriver jammed against one of its hexagonal sides, turn the other end of the spindle anticlockwise until cone falls off. Beware of ball bearings that may come off. Count the number of ball bearings on this bearing.

5. The spindle can easily be removed from the other side. Count the ball bearings on this side too.

6. Dunk everything in a detergent/dishwashing liquid/degreaser (choose one) bath, using a toothbrush to dislodge all dirt.

7. Rinse with water and dry everything on old newspaper. Grease the bearing races (in the pedal body) after making sure that they are not damaged and are clean. A good grease to use is Castrol's red bearing grease which comes in a green tin, but almost any kind of grease will suffice. A generous layer of grease will be needed. Grease the spindle in the middle and bearing end, and on the bearing cone too. Reinsert the right number of ball bearings using tweezers, making use of the stiction of the grease to keep them in place. Ensure that the ball bearings are resting nicely on the bearing races, this is crucial.

8.Insert spindle very carefully into pedal body, and make sure it turns freely. Then insert bearing cone on the other end, again using a screwdriver to keep it still while you turn spindle clockwise. Adjust it so that it it just loose enough so that the spindle spins freely, but without any lateral movement.

9. Reinsert washer and locknut, and tighten them using the socket spanner, holding the other end of the spindle with the 15mm long spanner.

10. Put dustcap on again, refit the horseshoe-shaped metal piece and reflectors. Grease the threads of the spindle where it attaches to the crankarms. Using the 15mm long spanner, put on pedals (remember that they have different direction threads, and check the end of the pedal spindle to see which side each pedal goes) tightly. Wipe off excess grease.

11. Go ride! (Only after you've cleaned up the mess you have just made.)
- posted by K. C. @ 8:46 pm

 
Hmm no one reads my blog. Cause everyone's busy mugging! Yaay what am I doing here. If you read this, leave a message so I know you're not as hardcore a mugger as the rest. Okies. Over and out!
- posted by K. C. @ 1:53 am

 
Update of the juicy scandalous truth of how some 18 year-olds of our generation think:

Him: no need you to reply to this.
i dun bother to read your reply also.
just think abt it :
arent you disgusting too - you trying to bring my self esteem down by saying im ugly etc...... isnt tt childish too? and its disgusting....where got pple say liddat. i've nv came across someone like you.
yah...n i dun expect a reply. i dont want lies as replies

Me: im not the one lying
at least im not afraid of having to justify my points

Him: hah. tt so called justification.
watever.
i just wanted to tell you this only. tts it.

Me: get real

Him: shut you. fuck off
you're damn bloody disgusting.

Me: and how so

Him: i have already said so.
and perhaps you know it yourself

Me: well i don't, cause you never elaborated

Him: forget it. as you said. our friendshhip is over. no point saying anything

Me: fine then, if that is what you really want

Him: NO! i never ever wanted to lose friendships. but things have reached to this ectent, and you yourself said those stuff in the reply...its not me

Me: not you? are you blaming me for this when it's your very attitude that makes it hard for anyone to befriend you?

Him: no? i have lots of frens. its you who wants to harp on this attitude thingy

Me: friends? doesn't seem like it to me, last i heard you were whining about not having any friends?

Him: haha??? did i?? you must have been mistaken. either tt, or i was talking crap

Me: thats one of your problems - having a selective memory and pretending to forget what you say, for fear of having to justify that

Him: look. if you are gooing to pick on everyones fault, then......
and btw...this is 10000000X better than a promiscuous gal's character (which you said you can tolerate)

Me: i think the very core of your attitude is unacceptable
at least promiscuous girls learn from their mistakes
would you?

Him: unacceptable? then fine. get lost. its you who finds me unacceptable. its you who doesnt want this friendship. so get lost then

Me: fine
i was just trying to get the facts right, lest you go on some gossip-and-slander spree like always

Him: sorry dude.
if i want to do it i will
its none of your business.

Me: don't get burnt by your conscience

Him: YOU TOO!

Me: me? what did i do?

Him: you know best

Me: evading the question huh?

Him: no. there is just so much to list.

Me: you know that was an excuse

Him: no. im not interested in talking to pple who hate me. tts normal isnt it?

Me: i guess you're never going to learn
sigh

Him: whether i do is none of your business.
but im sure tt i'll be more successful than you in future.
your attitude epitomizes tt of a simpleton

Me: no offense, but most people would beg to differ

Him: so be it. in your dreams man

Me: ok then

Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Is that what our generation is going to be like? Are people like him going to end up as leaders of the society? Damn this world just isn't right.


- posted by K. C. @ 5:44 pm

 
The reason I posted that song below, is that I don't know what the fuck it means, not having done unseen poetry (a.k.a. practical criticism) for two whole years. Is it about drugs? Or a father dependent on his son financially? Or a son lost in drug addiction? I dunno.

And I've changed the template to black. Why? I'm sick of grey. White doesn't match the rest of the template. Black, however, gives it a bolder look. The black-grey-white theme isn't really what I want, but my colour coordination is too poor to do up anything decent in colour, afterall, there's 16^6 different colours you can choose, since in HTML code colours are coded by a six digit hexadecimal number.

This afternoon at 12:43pm, someone on ICQ, supposedly a friend but I really doubt it, made me appreciate 1) how the character limit for ICQ can't possibly be exceeded even in extreme use, and 2) the childishness of certain 18 year-olds and 3) my alleged crimes, none of which can be proven in a court of righteousness. Here it is, in its full gory glory, like in the tabloids when you get some scandalous message printed on the front page, spelling and grammatical errors intact. The subject has been warned numerous times that what he says to me may possibly be leaked to the public, and he's OK with that. Here it is, in blood red (#cc0000 in hexadecimal) for effect's sake.

since you have nothing to say, i shall say something then - you are a LOSER.
just go and die ok???
it'll be better for you, bloody loser. you're not a saint you know. u got some attitude problem also.
i think you should change your attitude sucker. you're attitude is disgusting and just puts people off, esp the gals. i've been wanting to say all these to you. you think im always wrong. do u ever examine yourself. everytime you type'.......' in icq. thatsFUCKING irritating i tell you. and you always say i evade qns. wat abt u? always saying nvm when i ask further.
and u think being a nice guy in this world is wat everyone should be??. sorry man....i nv say we shld not be nice. but pple like you will get taken advantage of....and i dun wan to be like you. let pple step all over me.....tts why i wont change my attitude. i can be nice, but i wont let pple take advantage of me. i think i should make this point clear on my attitude. and i dont manipulate anyone ok......esp freinds. i dunno why u think of me tt way.
i really wish we could go back to the old days where we were good frens and could talk, but tt is highly impossible....i know you say its all my fault etc....but I think you have to examine your attitude too...
esp all that you said ...
esp tt one about me trying to show off my napfa when i ask you to train so you wont go PTP. i think its damn sickening. being a nice guy to someone who thinks i have ill intentions.....
whatever. i've said most i wanna say already.
got something of my chest....
u think abt it

My reply would be (though I haven't bothered to send him a copy yet):

just go and die ok???
> There are laws about instigating suicide in Singapore. And if I do kill myself, you will get implicated. And I'm not exactly sane (as you blog readers/people who knew me in my peak of madness/people I've told about some things I do will know)

it'll be better for you, bloody loser. you're not a saint you know. u got some attitude problem also.
> I may have one, true, but you have it much worse than me. In fact, anyone reading the DSM-IV guide to diagnosis of psychological disorders would be pretty sure you have Borderline Personality Disorder. The details of your flawed personality will be discussed in the later paragraphs.

i think you should change your attitude sucker. you're attitude is disgusting and just puts people off, esp the gals. i've been wanting to say all these to you. you think im always wrong. do u ever examine yourself. everytime you type'.......' in icq. thatsFUCKING irritating i tell you. and you always say i evade qns. wat abt u? always saying nvm when i ask further.
> If you accuse me of something, why don't you substantiate it? And you got any proof that I put off the girls? I don't think you're always wrong. I think you have a problem in admitting that you're not infallible. I type "......" (actually usually I type dots in multiples of 3) because you say stuff that I can't reply to without being rude. Your evasion of questions is obvious, and I've gone through a look at the ICQ history. Often, mundane questions like "Why didn't you go to Borders?" are replied with 'nothing'. A search count of the message history for the past 2.5 months showed that you're 3 times more likely as me to say the word 'nothing'. And when I say it, it seldom serves as a one-word refusal to answer a question. Yours often are.

and u think being a nice guy in this world is wat everyone should be??. sorry man....i nv say we shld not be nice. but pple like you will get taken advantage of....and i dun wan to be like you. let pple step all over me.....tts why i wont change my attitude. i can be nice, but i wont let pple take advantage of me. i think i should make this point clear on my attitude. and i dont manipulate anyone ok......esp freinds. i dunno why u think of me tt way.
> I don't think I'm being a particularly nice guy. But with your evasive attitude and the way you use verbal manipulation (using threats of breaking a friendship, using gossip as a means of getting back at one, using illogical statements meant to incite someone's guilt e.g. saying that xxx is a reason why girls don't like someone, etc), your obvious lack of honesty and honour (failing to honour returns of loans, cheating in exams, having a selective memory when it comes to favours given to you) and your excessive dependency on others (never trying to do something or solve something by oneself), you definitely do not fall into my category of what is called 'nice'. I don't let people step on me. All I believe in is having the people I know respect me when I respect them. Most importantly, unlike you I do not believe in revenge, as it does nothing but to hurt.

i really wish we could go back to the old days where we were good frens and could talk, but tt is highly impossible....i know you say its all my fault etc....but I think you have to examine your attitude too...
>It's mostly your fault that you are unable to have any friendships beyond that working-partner kind of thing, due to the reasons explained. I have a limited tolerance of people who possess the traits you have. Perhaps it's your childishness, perhaps you do have Borderline Personality disorder, but still it's not good for me if I should pretend to be friends with you, and it's certainly not fair to either of us.

esp all that you said ...
esp tt one about me trying to show off my napfa when i ask you to train so you wont go PTP. i think its damn sickening. being a nice guy to someone who thinks i have ill intentions.....
>And the way you so condescendingly say it in your smug tone isn't 'sickening'?

whatever. i've said most i wanna say already.
got something of my chest....
u think abt it
>I've thought about it, I've wrote out what the situation is in more realistic terms, and the ball is now in your court.



- posted by K. C. @ 1:21 pm

 
elliot smith - needle in the hay
your hand on his arm
the hay stack charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
he's wearing yr clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
- posted by K. C. @ 11:59 pm

 
Most boringest factoid of the day:
Svedberg units are non-additive. Which means, a unit made up of several subunits does not necessarily have the sum of the Svedberg units of the subunits. 70S ribosomes are made of 50S and 80S ribosomes, in prokaryotic cells. (Courtesy of Mr Nah Seang Chew)

I'm hooked on friendster. If you want me to connect you tag something in my tagboard! I hope the friends I've had lost contact with still remember me there.

Feeling happy today, for no reason, despite the fact that my studies are still in a catastrophic state. And 10 days, and still in one piece.

Grrrr my hair is making my temples itch grrrrr I need to get it cut. Hands up, anyone who wants to see me devoid of hair and with a shiny scalp. Leaves me to wonder, what is the role of hair for the human body? Insulation? But won't it be better if we had evolved to have air spaces beneath our scalps than hair since hair has a tendency to keep lice, dandruff, etc in, and needs to be well-maintained?
- posted by K. C. @ 2:48 am

 
Feeder - My Perfect Day
Got this dagger in my back
The blade inside me burning
Change these colours in my head
Turn to face the real thing

So what about me? (I can't take it)
What I wanna be? (I won't make it)
What about me? (I can't take it)
Hear me when I speak (I won't make it)

But sometimes I feel it, you know how it is
Wake up in the morning, everything fits
I'm still hoping tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day

Hey, hey
Twist inside me, feel it break
The rubber band keeps turning
See the cracks worn in my face
Hallucinate, I'm burning

So what about me? (I can't take it)
What I wanna be? (I won't make it)
What about me? (I can't take it)
Hear me when I speak (I won't make it)

But sometimes I feel it, you know how it is
Wake up in the morning, everything fits
I'm still hoping tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day, my perfect day
My perfect day

I can't believe this anymore
I just don't see this anymore
I'm stepping out into the rain, again

See my satellite in space
Sending back the weather
Try to find myself some space
Move on up the ladder

I can't take it
It's what I wanna be? (I won't make it)
What about me? (I can't take it)
Hear me when I speak (I won't make it)

But sometimes I feel it, you know how it is
Wake up in the morning, everything fits
I'm still hoping tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day, my perfect day

But sometimes I feel it, you know how it is
Wake up in the morning, everything fits
I'm still hoping tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day, my perfect day
My perfect day

- posted by K. C. @ 1:25 am

 
Rest in Peace Elliot Smith (1969-2003)
I didn't know your songs till today. But I see what you mean. And if it's what you wanted then I wish you the best.

- posted by K. C. @ 11:56 pm

 
Of course I want to be happy. Don't be stupid; we're all programmed the same way. Happiness triggers serotonin, noradrenaline (and other neurotransmitters) production, and naturally, the neurones crave that. No one wants to be unhappy. Everyone wants to be happy. And to do happy things. And to read happy stories. And to see all the ones they know happy, as vicarious experiences of joy never fail to cheer anyone up (except for the jealous of course).

Few people want to hear my unhappy stories, about how screwed up my life is and all. I hide it from my friends; I want them to be happy, and most importantly, I do not want them to know about how terrible a state I'm in. I want them to see me as someone who's okay, not some mopey gone-case. No, I'm not worried about what they think of me. I'm worried about what they will do to me because of what they think of me. And if you can, don't read the rest of this entry. I just need to vent, I don't need anyone to read it. So stop scrolling down.
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But I cannot keep it all in. It's a terrible feeling to try to hide all the sad thoughts behind my false front all the time, and it sucks. I can't help it. The steam has to go somewhere doesn't it. Through the nooks and crannies, through the cracks and flaws of my facade.

And I can't talk to anyone. It's too hard to actually tell someone how I feel, for the reasons I've mentioned. The better friends I am with the person, the more afraid of breaking the news about myself to them. But sometimes, I just can't help telling. They're my good friends, but I ended up leaking it.

There's a hole in me. I don't know what I'm missing. But I long to fill it up. It's that kind of feeling, when you look ahead and all you see is barren and dull, when there's nothing to look forward to, except a steep hill to climb. The adult world is crap. Unemployment, being overworked, struggling to pay the third installment for the miniature flat, health problems when we become old, hate. Lots of hate.

And the main thing that's making me feel so down is the way I'm rapidly learning of this hate around the world. Not just wars around the world, or the mis-distribution of wealth and nutrition, but also in the way small things happen. People cheat each other. People threaten others to get what they want. People don't give a fuck about others.

And also, why I'm down is that everything's going wrong. My life is in shambles. Academically, physically, emotionally, etc. I don't want to think about it. I'm a failure, and no one has to tell me that. I know that. I've achieved much less in my whole life than what others can do in a year. I'm a natural failure, no matter how I try I fail. Miserably. Those little partial achievements don't count. I never get full achievements. Those little excuses for an achievement are failures in themselves.

And emotionally I'm a wreck. Everyone's putting me down. Everyone's better than me. And they're rubbing it in. And I don't what I want. Cause I'll probably won't get it anyway. And I feel sad all the time. And everything gets me down cause I see though them. And it's been months, but I still can't accept that concept of death. Sometimes I lie in my bed and try to tell myself that it was all just a hoax, that it didn't happen. But I know the truth. Still, I leave the number in the handphone of mine. I have an inability to see happiness around me. I mean, good music cheers me up, a nice story touches my heart, a funny joke cracks me up, but it's all so superficial.

And I'm alone I hardly receive phone calls cause I'm so antisocial. Except wrong numbers. I make much more SMSes and calls than people make to me. I think there's something about me that sucks.... and I don't know what. And I can't help it. And I probably can't change it. Dammit I have my share of haters. A large share.

And I'm too depressed to say anymore. It's been 8 days staying ok, let's make it 9, I'll try. I will. And I take advice from friends, I really do.


- posted by K. C. @ 12:24 am

 
Yup Physics was ok, though my results might be off or something. I will survive. (Though no referrence to that gay/feminist/whatever anthem , if you're wondering.)

Went to the new bikeshop at Ghim Moh, met this guy there - who I talked to on IRC yesterday - for the first time. Hmm cool. Yeah it's a nice bike shop, the owner's real friendly and all but too bad the stocks haven't arrived. He says he's going to stock Fox gloves, am eyeing the Fox Tahoe...

And I'm tired, but not sleepy, and I wanted to cycle again, but my weary body and the steaming weather and my infected palm makes it a totally senseless idea. And I can't mug, being as tired as I am. Managed to cram in some Bio while being locked up in LT5 after the practical - not much, since the whole LT was damn noisy and all - and I can't really concentrate. Earlier today I ended up talking crap with a bunch of people, including OCS and Mohan from 3A, 3A's a warm lively bunch. Can't stand my own class. Then went off to LT4 after getting bored to tears.

Then I was like trying to indoctrinate two of my classmates with my ideals of romance. Was trying hard to convince them that marrying a non-virgin female is nothing too serious, it's often not the female's fault, and even if she had initiated it she must have had her reasons, or that she was emotionally confused. (counterargument: then they are childish immature girls isn't it. my reply: emotions and romance are very complex, it's not as though it's so easy to be totally logical about it.)

The two of them are the kind who would never marry a non-virgin. And they don't really see the romantic love part of relationships as significant, so yeah, I guess they haven't experienced enough, probably. Love and logic, how many people on earth can actually reconcile the two in their minds without great difficulty? And if love is logical, it won't be love anymore. You don't love someone cause she does the dishes and cooks well and brings back a good income and is good-natured and has an outgoing personality.

Love is more than that to me. It isn't a checklist of traits. It's this special thing that simply happens. Not because of any specific factors, but a synergetic blend of characteristics that touches your heart, and this is more profound than words can explain. There's nothing that can explain why we do things we have never ever thought of doing previously, just for love. If I so happen to love her, I don't give a damn of what people think or she does or anything. Because such circumstantial factors are not going to change my mind on what I really want.

I'm all for premarital sex with discretion, if it allows the couple to allay doubts of what things would be like after marriage (assuming that they are almost certainly going to marry anyway). I'm all for free choice of gender, if someone knows that he/she is not born in the right body, only if it's what they really want. I'm all for extreme sexual preferences, as long as they keep it private among themselves to avoid disturbing the innocence that shrouds the rest of the population. It's not as if it's bad isn't it? It doesn't hurt or disturb others, in this way. It's not _morally_ right, but what _are_ morals in the end? Must we reluctantly force ourselves to stand by arbitrarily defined boundaries when they really mean nothing? If people restrain themselves from doing what they really want to do - on a senseless ground like this - life would indeed be sad. As for the religious, I hear you. Religion matters to you, and it's logical for you to adhere to it, if that's what you want. It's your choice still, right? Of course, molestation, rape, adultery, et cetra are not valid choices; they cause grevious emotional, physical, spiritual and mental harm.

I've always thought of myself as logical. I probably am, in fact, but I feel things more strongly than others. Though I hide it. They won't understand me if I'm too open about stuff.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:45 pm

 
I'm mentally scarred for life. I cycled into a mass orgy this afternoon. 10 individuals fondling each other and everything. OK. They were monkeys, but still it's sick. OK it's not that bad, I'm not exactly traumatised, more like shocked in a curious way. Damn too bad I didn't have a camera with me.

I've got new shoes Reebok. $50. It's going to be my beater shoes. They look like they can shed mud well. And they're all black, meaning I can use them for formal occasions and pretend they're leather shoes. Or I can buy a nice ink-black trenchcoat and act like a goth, just for a day (or preferrably, a night). Maybe it'll be a good idea for prom night, then I can slink around the place without anyone noticing and suck their blood with my pearly Colgate-polished canines. I know two people who don't deserve the blood in their veins. And they're going to be at the same table as me. Makes thing much easier. Consider the job done.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:28 pm

 
Feeling bloody fat. Am going to be on bike for the rest of the afternoon, then I'll mug after dinner.

Everything's roughly A-ok (except my fatness, and studies etc...) and nothing special happened. I won't be blogging until something shakes the world out of its usual dormancy.
- posted by K. C. @ 4:27 pm

 
Damnit. Can't get myself to mug.

Anyway today I keh kiang (acting smart, in Singlish-speak) tried to straighten my chainrings on my bicycle by tightening bolts, even though the wobble is rather insignificant (less significant that the flexing that occurs due to heavy pedalling), and it didn't really work. Oh well... my cranks are rather sucky. I want those Race Face Prodigy ones, but they're $160 for crankset plus bottom bracket or so I've heard. Maybe Shimano Deore ones, they're cheaper but not as good. Oh well, someday when I'm rich.....

(Non-seriouscyclists can skip this part)

So my future dream bike will have those cranks.
And Shimano Deore/LX/XT parts (you can save a lot of money by getting lower-end equivalents for the less important parts, such as the front deraileur, and vice versa for the rear deraileur and cranks).
A high end fork of course, with those fancy damping stuff.
Mavic 517 rims, with not-so-high-end Deore or LX hubs (lower-end hubs aren't much worse in performance as compared to stuff like XTR or Chris King hubs, so as long as you grease and adjust them properly).
Tyres will be Hutchinson Pythons, which are highly recommended by many.
Brakes will be cable-operated discs - hydro brakes are a pain in the ass to maintain. V-brakes cannot be beat for their weight but they work like crap when wet. And squeaky brakes after you clean your rims - it's real irritating when people stare at you all the time until the rims finally quieten down.
And most importantly, the frame, which would be a hardtail (no rear suspension) for the lightness. And no titanium (hard to maintain and not worth the moolah) and no carbon fiber (brittle and breaks easily) so aluminium would be my friend. GT Zaskars look nice; I love the design of my current GT a lot. (Though I think the red one would have suited me slightly better. The blue-black design is way cool but makes me look like a goth on a bike.)
Handlebars/stem/headset/seatpost/grips/etc would be chosen by its value-for-money, weight, reliability and most importantly the colour and the finish. They're not critical parts.

It's a dream alright. At least, my dream is modest compared to the crazily expensive stuff people have. Who really needs full XTR parts (so what if someone saves 10 grams on a XTR front deraileur - it doesn't matter, since it doesn't even normally touch the chain most of the time!) or titanium frames (so much hassle, when they weigh about as much as a good(and reasonably priced) aluminium frame. My formula is the best when it comes to juggling performance, weight and style on a (generous but not overly so) budget.


- posted by K. C. @ 3:58 pm

 
Breathless. Tired. Weak. Fatigued. And only after 33km. That's what they call bonking out, when the blood glucose drops too low to sustain any more heavy exertion. That is usually caused by a lack of intake of carbohydrates, and constant replenishment of sugars are often recommended to prevent this. In cycling terms, that means eating a snack or something every now and then.

Another problem would be when riding in the early morning without fully digesting the much-needed breakfast carbohydrates, and that's what happened to me. That's why, cycling in the morning is much more tiring than in the evening, when I can go at about 26kmh with little difficulty. In mornings, keeping above 20 even on a slight uphill is painfully exhausting.

Amazing how senstitive the human body is to nutrition. Skip the carbohydrates, and things go awry. Skip the proteins, and the muscles do not regenerate. Skip too much fats, and you'll be lucky if your hormonal system doesn't go out of whack. Remember, good nutrition isn't only about eating in moderation. It also means eating sufficient amounts of every nutrient group, and making sure you get all the vitamins and minerals. Fiber too, if you believe in it. And never try risking what it is like to feel dehydrated. Drink when thirsty. Drink when undergoing physical exertion. Don't take risks.

Don't take risks. Oops. I think I have just infected that chainring bite on my hand, after gripping the handlebars again today. Silly of me to keep on riding, considering I'm still recovering from that 76km. But... but.... I like riding! OK, so passion and logic are mutually exclusive things. I'm going to choose passion. I'm sure a 18 year-old body is resistant to most any permanent damage.

Sigh... gotta study! What am I doing here?!
- posted by K. C. @ 3:11 pm

 
1. Sleep strikes me at the most unknown moments, i.e. lying on the sofa. My last memory before I remembered was planning to go upstairs to mug Bio.

2. My phone never fails to register a SMS when I sleep. Then I wake up to reply, and fall asleep in ten seconds flat. The ability to switch states so rapidly intrigues me.

3. Everytime I fall asleep at imopportune times my coffee stays undrunk - irony is, the coffee would have kept me awake.

4. My most weird thoughts come right after sleep, dreams or otherwise. Tonight I was inspired to write this set of thoughts about naps. The other time, I dreamt of an advertisement for tyres. Something like this guy goes from city to city throughout the world, eating an ice cream, doing touristy stuff, exercising, and this tyre keeps on rolling behind that guy by itself. Just like that. No motor, no vehicle, just a wobbly tyre rolling. Then a slogan: Continental/ Goodyear/ Nokian/ Michelin/ Bridgestone Tyres - Rolling with You.

5. I should work in advertising. Seriously. It's fun, and it pays well. (*does a cheeky-evil Smeagol smile*)
- posted by K. C. @ 12:34 am

 
I feel like a failure. Oh wait I am one.

If I were to be judged by my achievements in school, I am a failure. I'm not good enough at anything. Chemistry Olympiad was a mere Bronze. And the Engineering project? It did not amount to anything at all. One year, and nothing came out of it. My academics are crap, and I can't even score for GP anymore. It shows in the CCA records draft we got back. Apparently my attendence in Guitar wasn't good enough, and my leadership and representation and achievement points are pathetic. I've tried, but trying isn't hard enough; I have to not suck at what I do.

If I were to be judged by my talents, I am a failure. You see, all the final vestiges of what used to be my talents (not much to start off with) have all faded. Enough said. I suck at the guitar. And I'm losing the skills of a writer. My vocabulary is languishing, my grammar patchy.

If I were to be judged by how much I've helped the world around me, I am a failure. Few people accept what I do; everytime I volunteer help, it's always misconstrued as an act of destruction. Even little things like offerring to show how to operate the VCR and all. Why does everyone get that impression? That I do not know.

If I were to be judged by any characteristic, I am a failure. By logical induction; If I suck at almost every item I have had considered, I probably suck at everything.

In every barrel there are rotten apples, and they are meant to be discarded. I'm living on borrowed sympathy and pretenses.

- posted by K. C. @ 7:57 pm

 
"Race doctor Gerard Porte estimates that the cyclists drink around six litres per day " - www.cyclingnews.com about the Tour de France.

That's not surprising at all. In fact, I think that's a low figure for the pros, considering that I myself had downed six litres of water today myself.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:58 pm

 
The problem with cycling is, it's hard to stop.

I wanted to have a short morning cycle of about 30 km so I set off, and on a whim I decided to go to the Fort Road trail. But due to the previous days of rain and all, it was all muddied up and impassable, and I had to turn back. Made the mike and my shoes really muddy in the process - as in, REALLY muddy. Then realised that my little baggie was hanging precariously on one wire, the other wire had burst, so I hooked it on my rear light. Remind me to find a better solution to mount the baggie.

So I thought, since I had made it there, might as well cycle through East Coast Park. Went across the whole park, remembering the J1 Barbecue and its magic. This thin guy in yellow on a Dean Ti bike was super fast, coundn't even make chase. Saw a grey GT Avalanche, probably a 2002 3.0 from its looks. And by then I had reached the end.

So I thought, since I had made it there, might as well cycle through Changi Coast Road and go to Changi Village for lunch. 40km from home, and I never planned to go there. And I ate malay rice there which was super expensive ($3.20 for chicken wing and egg and potato.), and got myself a large bottle of 100 Plus to refill my water bottles.

The journey home was much more tiring, my legs were aching and the skin on my butt was slowly being rubbed off. And I felt my whole body going weak, even though I made sure that I was fully hydrated. And the sweltering sun burnt my skin too. Pretty amazing how sunny today was considering the bad weather we are used to. Went through Changi Beach Park, which was rather nice due to the shade and the quiet. Ambling through Changi Coastal Road like a zombie, then crawling across East Coast Park like a dead man. I'm not really into shape lately, I've only resumed high-intensity cycling recently.

Had to refill yet again at Kallang. 1.5 litres of mineral water. I dehydrate rapidly. Then slowly made my way home through the late afternoon sun, watching my shadow on the side of me. Then reached home all tired but still had to clean up my muddied bike. Rims and tyres, everything. Regreased the chain too, and the chainring tooth dug a hole into my palm. Ouch. Right where I was already aching from gripping the handlebar without gloves. Then I had a looooong shower. Finally.

Some statistics:
Kilometres: 76
Hours spent on bike: about 4 (you can see how pathetic my average speed is)
Dollars spent: 7.30
Water intake: 1.5L water from home, 1.5L 100 Plus, 0.5L Pepsi, 1.5L mineral water, total of 5L (so I drank 6L of water in 24h, impressive)
Physical damage: Weakness, sneezing 2h post ride, BAD sunburn, hole in my palm, aches everywhere, chaffed butt (now I know why those pros wear those gay tights) and sore hands (should get gloves, I'm eyeing those Fox Tahoes).

Was it worth it? Yes. I'm going to become fit eventually, hopefully, if I do this enough. And I'll be more handsome, in a male chauvinistic way, not the SNAG gay bishounen way. Must train self!

- posted by K. C. @ 11:54 pm

 
I'm giving up on blogspot. It's down like half the time. So any suggestions for a new host? I've looked through these:

Diaryland - stable, reliable, but multiple page system is rudimentary, and archives are a pain to access
Pitas - Lack of prefab templates, not popular
Blogger + Tripod (my old blog used that, and so does Shawn's) - 2-3 popups every load. No go. Used to be 1-2 but it got progressively worse.

If you know of a good host please tell me in the tagboard! Thanks!

Bah this post didn't even get through the first time I tried.

*****

BTW yesterday's Chemistry pract was rather easy, and like every A level practical there's a surprise question - an organic chem QA. Quite cool, considering I knew what the compound was, even though it's not part of the question, so I answered the question based on this knowledge. It's salicylic acid, typical fluffy texture, phenol group, carboxylic acid group, yadayada. Ester formed smells like methyl salicylic acid though its an ethyl ester instead. I prophesised that question. In the waiting area my friend (who was in Singapore Chem Olympiad too) was looking for panadol as he felt feverish or something. Then I told him jokingly to synthesise his own aspirin in the lab in a way similar to the Chem Olympiad practical using lab materials. And sure enough salicylic acid (a raw material for aspirin) did come out. Weird.

The other parts were OK, titration was evil - the colour takes some time to go off, but still managed to get a result that most people got. I think I did one calculation mistake though, and I definitely answered the why-KMnO4-was-used-in-pipette-instead-of-burette question wrongly. But still not too bad. Then I dropped my IC into the drain by the bench. Dirtied myself picking it up. Luckily I was still high from the exam so didn't feel crap after that.

One of my friends didn't do to well, sigh. Technically it would be easy to cheer him up; first of all this is just one fifth of one out of 5 subjects; and students like him who don't score As and Bs in school tend to improve a whole lot for the actual As. But the way real life, it takes much more than advice, I suppose. Or maybe I didn't deliver it well enough. Ah whatever, I suppose he'll score OK enough in the end still. That's the way A levels are. Most people get more than what they usually do. Perhaps not me, but most people do.

BLOODY hell, I've been feeling a bit depressed lately, since yesterday morning, can't get self to mugging. I've taken a fancy of punching walls in frustration. Knuckles. Hurt. And my ankle has been haunting me again. Fuck, no for cycling today, still feeling Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. (PE teacher says: you don't feel any pain on the day you excercise or the next day, but on the third day you wake up with the sore in your muscles.)

Songs worth mentioning:

Kraftwerk - Tour De France - Kraftwerk is a electronica act that is obsessed with cycling. This track makes good use of samples of breathing and gear-shifting noises, accompanied with electronica and some French vocals by a deep-voiced male singer, and the result is a track that's palatable to both electronica fans and casual listeners alike.

Gavin Degraw - Follow Through - Sappy, but great melody.

The Strokes - 12:51 - Typical sounding of Strokes, nothing too heavy, just a nice steady beat and melody with a great backing tune.

John Mayer - Bigger than my Body - A chorus to die for. His songs are catchy, the lyrics are about okay, about having ambitions that are too high.

Five For Fighting - Something About You - A distinct difference from their previous major hit Superman, it's sappy and all, but hell, it's still Five For Fighting. Check out the vocals.

The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love - Few songs are as catchy as this. The falsetto vocals get on your nerves sometimes, but who can possibly fault this song which revives the sound of the early 90s? This is a UK re-release, the first time was a few years back. Try their song Friday Night too.

Dido - White Flag - A little better than her older stuff (which is quite good in the first place).

Funeral for a Friend - Juneau or Red is the New Black - A band that made it big into the UK charts recently. It's an accquired taste, it's like a bit of At-the-Drive-In and Linkin Park. Actually they're unique enough to be indescribeable.

Elbow - Fallen Angel - They're somewhat like the Doves, but a little more laid back. If you like the Doves, what are you waiting for?

Travis - Reoffender - Weird. Why do they sound so much like Radiohead? Not bad a song, except the draggy chorus. It's about domestic violence, a theme that seldom makes its way into music. Worth remembering, if only for that.

Vonray - Inside Out - Run of the mill American pop-rock from the Smallville Soundtrack, though of a better standard than average. "Inside out" - a comedic allusion to Superman's dressing preferences?

The Duds:

Blur - Good Song - Everyone likes Blur. But too bad, this simply ain't what I call a Good Song.

Suede - Attitude - Boring! Suede has fallen since their only good album Coming Up.

The Coral - Secret Kiss - Who listens to this kind of 50s-60s styled crap anyway?

Three Doors Down - Here Without You - Trust me, they can't write love ballads. Just look at the lyrics.

I think I'm going to promote my blog as a music review authority or something :D


- posted by K. C. @ 6:53 pm

 
My ankle's better. Just regreased my bike hubs and chain this morning, always wanted to make that stiff front wheel spin better. So I can go on on my regime to make myself a better cyclist.

Yesterday I thought about her... I was listening to New Radical's Someday You'll Know, and as some of you know, Mandy Moore once did a cover of it. She used to like Mandy Moore's songs I remember, though I didn't. Brought back memories; memories no longer shared, but left for me to preserve by myself. The night of the orientation group barbecue, my birthday (she bought the cake), the first time we met in the school hall when we were told to say hello to the person sitting next to us on our first day of junior college life. Those memories, gone with her smile, her charm, her friendliness, her innocence. It's been months since, but it still affects me. It made me look at death in a much different way; a more realistic way, you can say. I'm not disturbed or anything; it's just that, now I can understand the consequences of death - death is tragic, and the bitter aftertaste remains and never goes away. The reality is, when a person dies, he/she is no longer there. No longer there to talk with you, or share your joy, or to look at. There's nothing to fill that void, and it hurts everyone who ever knew him/her.

My friends tell me that I'll forget it someday. But I know I won't. Death is something you can cry about, then slowly get over and accept it, but it's not something that can be forgotten. I won't be able to live with the guilt, if I ever forget her, or anyone I know. Memories aren't supposed to be forgotten, especially after one has passed away. Because, there's only you to keep those memories alive, to feed and nourish them, so that a part of him/her still remains in the world.

So to all of those who don't give a shit, perhaps one day you'll know what all these really means, you probably will, but I hope it won't be soon. To all of you who make fun of her or think that I'm just whining my ass off, fuck all of you. To all of those who claim I didn't really know her, fuck you, who are you to say that; can you possibly claim to know? To all of those who, in jest or otherwise, tell me to follow suit, you're motherfuckers who don't deserve being around, I think you should know what I am capable of.

I don't want to question her decision to do what she did, I won't even want to think about it, for speculation will probably be inaccurate and is disrespectful, no matter the intentions. I have no right to say that what she did was wrong or right, but I definitely wish that her choice was made consciously, and it was what she wanted. Rest in peace.


- posted by K. C. @ 1:43 pm

 
Ouch. Hobbling around the house. Destroyed my left ankle due to a failed attempt to cycle up a 20+% hill using a 42-12 gear ratio - sheer idiocy. Wasn't really hurting until today, and the self-prescribed mefenamic acid doesn't seem to be effective in anything except making me sleepy. I've walk with my heel sort of raised, and that sucks.

So I'm slacking again, which is very disappointing, considering how soon exams are. This sucks I guess. The ennui's building up again. Maybe ennui isn't the word to describe it.

You know the feeling after watching a great concert and then it ends at a high note? Then you start missing the whole concert, the action and the passion and the liveliness, while all your friends start to disperse and make their way home. That feeling. That feeling of emptiness, the feeling of loneliness, after something really great had ended. Then for the next few hours you feel - I don't know how to describe it - down.

I'm feeling that, it's as though all the nice things are all over now. All the fun I had had with my friends, the things I loved to do, everything. Now it's all about exams and national service and career and all the depressing stuff. OK I'm rambling. But really, it's hard to give a shit about life when there's so little to look forward to. Yeah reading a book keeps me happy for a while, listening to music cheers me up, cycling the hills distract me from the crap that's called my life. But really, pretty soon I won't even have the time and energy to do all these.

I feel myself being drained of my chracter mentally. I've lost my creativity; I can't imagine stuff the way I used to anymore. I've lost my flair at writing; I used to top the class in GP now my essays are continually fetching me B grades instead. My logical argument skills have stayed, but that's about all. The tragedies of the inevitable cynicism that pervades adult life. Perhaps, I have wasted my childhood, not enjoying my self as hard as I should have. But then, can childhood possibly be 'wasted'? Childhood is only well-spent when it's 'wasted' on being ourselves. It's a paradox yeah.

With all the exams and all, damn, this is a really bad time to think about existence and all. To a great certainty, the best parts of my life are over. Now to brace myself and grit my teeth for the remainder of my crappy existence.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:07 pm

 
2 more days to Chem Pract and I haven't really started touching the Chem stuff. Boy I'm screwed; gonna force myself to magically become familiar with the stuff again. Actually, I'm not in too bad a shape w.r.t. Chem Pract, but still I'd feel guilty if I don't put in my best, so there, I'm going to mug evisceratively (i.e. mug my guts out) until Tuesday. Yea I've just invented a new word.

I'm lazy though, what the hell have I been doing for the past few days?! Slacking! When the A levels are creeping steadily towards me, taking me with its slimy claws and all. It's a problem of motivation. I've never been very motivated throughout my life. I just do the minimum to get what I want, then I just do nothing. Opportunities fly by but I don't try hard enough to get them, so here I am, the lame excuse of an existence, doing nothing but the bare minimum. Must. Motivate. Self. A levels are important. But really, there's something in my mind that insists that grades and achievement are overrated - what's so great about them? The sense of satisfaction? True, but it's hardly worth all the effort and disappointment to me. There's many things that make me more satisfied, and 'achieving' is towards the bottom of my list. As compared to the people I know, I probably have a much lesser affinity for success.

I have to admit it though, I felt more motivated and prepared during the O levels. But it's not that unusual, most of my schoolmates share that sentiment. I have a few theories about this. Firstly, we are much more jaded by now, after the cynicism and callouses we have built up throughout JC life. Hard work doesn't appear to be as rewarding these days; very often it's about talent. We all know that the Olympiad geniuses will beat the mere mortals to pulp any day of the week so why bother? Heck, it's the fact of life. Some people are better at one thing, some people are better at other things, some people are better at nothing.

Reason 2: Our self esteem, when it comes to academic self esteem, has been slowly whittled away by the fact that everyone scores so high in RJC, and that the exam papers are depressingly hard. So we have lost faith in ourselves to a large extent. No matter how hard we work we just don't feel like we can tackle the exams as well as we should.

Reason 3: When we come to this age, people are more individualistic when it comes to study habits. We don't really motivate each other as much, which I think would be useful.

RJC is where all these 3 factors are about the most prevalent as compared to the other JCs. If you're not the top one third of the school or something, you'll just fade into the shadows like me. I have to admit it, I made the wrong choice of school; it's not like I'm all out to get a scholarship or whatever anyway. But heck, it's ending. If something bad is ending, it can't be a bad thing can it?

- posted by K. C. @ 10:48 am

 
I tap my skull and it sounds hollow.
- posted by K. C. @ 3:51 pm

 
As we get ushered into the new millennium people get busier and more hurried and more anxious thus the are no breaks just automations working day into night and night into day with no concern for rest as rest is costly in these days where time is money and money is an absloute necessity we slog day after day without looking forward as our eyes are too accustomed to the bleak future of hunger and darkness and eternal sadness.

The only guilt of the future is unemployment it is wrong to have even enough free time to read the newspapers or get emotionally involved in things beyond our immediate career and resposibilities what is right is rushing forward with no real direction and no pauses at all doing what we are supposed to do just to hide ourselves from the guilt.

Childhood dreams are but dreams childhood is hedonistic and decadent since work is everything in the new millennium and preparation for work must be done at all costs even if it merely involves remembering senseless facts for the whole of a quarter of a century just to get certificates justifying a person't worth since creativity is less profitable than sheer obedience.

Some things have to stop.
- posted by K. C. @ 1:41 pm

 
People live, people die. People love, people hate. People are born, people are killed. People live in the bliss of their childhood, people lie waiting in hospices. People fight for their lives, people forsake their own lives. People laugh, people cry. And really, are exams that important afterall?
- posted by K. C. @ 1:47 pm

 
Farewell assembly today. And guess what. Guest-of-honour is none other than our beloved RI Headmaster Mr. Wong Siew Hoong. Somehow, today, I'm missing RI more than RJ, when I'm supposed to miss RJ.

In ihis usual style, he started the speech with a 'story', which is his trademark for all RI assemblies. And of course, such stories try to be humourous but often end up being lame. Lame, as in, funny-lame. Like, we laugh at the lameness of it. But nice anyway. I sort of miss him. And everyone from RI. The teachers, the classmates, Mr Loh, Mr Magendiran, the school canteen, even Wendy Chua. I won't miss the RJ people as much; I just don't... feel it. It's like, they did the institution anthem and all, and then the spirit cheer, but I didn't feel nostalgic or anything. In RI, I felt it, especially during the batch song part and all. We are the young the children of the world we hold tomorrow in our hands.... We don't even have a batch song now, sigh, maybe they should extend the batch song to JC too or something.

But anyways, I brought my camera and took some photos. There's one with Dolly and I in it *rolls eyes*. I dunno, I go pretty mad when I try to be funny heh. Yaay managed to make a camera-shy person get into a photo. Wish I'd taken more photos though, but everyone sort of dispersed right after, and I wasn't like popular or something. Poor Guanzheng though, his camera died halfway on him.

Then went to Chinatown on the NEL. Talked to some people from 3A (about random stuff - they never fail to interest me) and then Jianyang (Guitar Club - heh) on the way to the MRT station, which was, I figured, better than trying to talk to the old bunch as their conversations tend on the inane side.

OK so I ate nasi lemak at Chinatown. I rate it B-. And then we saw - guess what - Wow Wow West aka Eric and Kathy's (formerly of RI canteen) in that hawker centre. Ordered chicken cutlet from there. It's double the price now, and comparing it to the standards of other western food sold out of schools, it's rather plain. It was great for RI standards then though. Arrgh $3 wasted.

And then we went to Dhoby Ghaut MRT - wanted to watch a movie but the boring munch decided not to, and went to Yamaha to play on the pianos. I just stoned around (and the guitars+drums section was closed for stocktaking so I couldn't entertain myself) while they kept on playing on the grand pianos until the staff chased them out. Looked at the guitar scorebooks, and they were crazily expensive, say, would anyone be willing to pay $45 for a Third Eye Blind Blue scorebook that doesn't even sufficiently tab out the solo parts? Went to Times bookshop too, saw the Book of Answers, where it's this book you ask yes/no questions and then open the book to a random page. It'll give you an answer like "maybe" or "go with your first idea", "definitely not", "never" and so on We amused ourselves insulting each other.

Then we went home. We are boring. Not really. I didn't go home. I returned my library books. But I got soft and ended up borrowing Lance Armstrong's autobio and Anne Tyler's Breathing Lessons. Damn, now I got pages of distractions and I'm going to fail my A levels. Sigh. I must be mad to borrow them.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:17 pm

 
Song of the pebbles

We're all pebbles in a stack,
Born with the waves for a soundtrack,
Where the winds and skies are surreal art,
But they hurt us and wash us apart.

A pebble sinking slowly into the azure blue,
Pebbles losing each other without any cue,
Drifting into the oceans we'll all be alone,
Or dead on the caked sand, if luck would condone.

We know what becomes of our friends,
We know the ways the ceaseless ocean distends.
But we still face each other and smile in style,
A reflection of Mother Nature's smirk.

- KC
- posted by K. C. @ 5:33 pm

 
Afternoon naps are great. But being the weird me, I got a leg cramp while asleep in a position even a contortionist would fear. Ouch. Now I walk in a limp. I'm prone to cramps.

I just read this book Logic for Beginners, one of a series of graphic nonfiction that explains philosophies, etc. Was a rather interesting read, gives you insight into what's really logical and what's not. The human brain, as most logicians would agree, isn't really based on logic; it's based on a series of neural networks working upon fuzzy logic and trial-and-error. So the human brain, indeed, is very fallible. Guys, don't trust your own brains too much. Science is also discussed.

(Note: a prerequisite knowledge of A level C Mathematics (functions and probability in particular) and recursive functions would be helpfun in the understand of the following 3 paragraphs.)

One of the theories presented in the book seems to fit vaguely with mine, that complex modern theories are often based upon theories which are in turn based on more theories and imperfect induction. (A way of thought where one assumes something to be true after observing a sufficient number of examples that verify that assumption, if there are no contradictions.)

What I think is, a single fact from induction would have a 'probability of truth' of a certain value. And each theory would be based on a few of these facts with a certain 'probability of truth'. As a result, the new theory would have a new 'probability of truth' which could be calculated from that of the sources, and this new value must necessarily have an equal or lower 'probability of truth' than the weighted average of the 'probabilities of truth' of the facts before.

In complex theories more theories are made upon theories and facts, and the resulting value of the 'probability of truth' would be much lower than simple facts. An infinitely complex theory would have a zero 'probability of truth' therefore. What I think is that, statisticians should attach a 'probability of truth' to every science or mathematical theory, so that proper assumptions can be made with those values in mind. Drawback is, a 'probability of truth of the probability of truth' would have to be evaluated for the 'probability of truth' presented and so on, in a recursive loop, which might actually work out, as the futher values of 'probabilities of truth' have lesser and lesser significance. (So it's sort of a converging mathematical function.)

Nevermind if you don't understand. I can't express myself for nuts. Look at my declining GP scores.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:31 pm

 
Yaay. Stained my shirt with a small spot of blood this morning, don't ask. Anyway this morning we had to do this crappy survey by the National Institiute of Education (NIE) about the concerns of JC students. They asked crap about family particulars, how I get along with my family, my future aspirations and how I find school. 28 pages' worth of survey questions. Glad I got to missed part of GP, which was very dreary anyway, like always. In GP it's painful even to sit there and daydream.

Maths results. A lousy C. And I realised they miscalculated the marks, so my C is actually rather low. Damnit. I got 86 for the past common test. Now I got a stinking 86. Yaay.

Then I went home, feeling absolutely sick of school. Staring at my crappy prelim papers and all, going through every mistake one by one, rubbing salt into the war wounds. Am skipping the 2 hour Bio tutorial, Maths tutorial and Chem S-paper. So instead of leaving school at about 6.30 I'm leaving at noon. And I'm not missing much. Makes me realise how little gets done at school.

I'm going to have start mugging full force all the way to the end.

Anyway I got a SMS from my friend; I got merit for Chem S. Probably a borderline one anyway, but well, it isn't a complete failure.

Now playing: JJ72 - October Swimmer

- posted by K. C. @ 2:36 pm

 
OK so here goes. In chronological order.

Bio - a low B. Yaay. I'm supposed to be good at Bio, and it's one of my better papers this time. But about the whole class scored higher Bs. Or an A. The essay questions I sucked at, the structured questions I sucked at> I used to be good at them.

GP - A very low A2. So now I no longer get good grades for GP. Teh whole class generally improved tremendously but me, I deproved, yaay. And I thought my essay deserves miore marks, it being a rather through analysys of the relevance of art and all, unlike the other high-scoring essays which merely listed points (their questions favoured that). Yaay. Injustice. Or perhaps I'm really lousy. Now I can fade away, the other GP kings can crowd on the pedestal I used to stand on.

Physics - Not too bad, but I missed A by 1 mark. Yaay.

Chem - A low C. ANd about everyone's better than me. I've really dropped in Chem. I'm screwed. If not for the stunningly high practical paper I'd probably fail my ass off this paper. I'm dead. I used to be good at Chem (How about, representing the school in the Singapore Chem Olympiad?) Now I've fallen. Yet again. Yaay.

Maths - I dunno yet, but it'd probably be worse than the rest. Yaay.

I've paid the blood price. Yaay.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:48 pm

 
I think, chatting on IRC to fellow cyclists is one of the best ways to pass time. It gets funny often, crazily funny sometimes (www.bash.org type of funny) and it's relaxed. Man, this is nice.

I'm listening to Dido. WTH? I never expected myself to end up liking Dido. Or Starsailor. Or the New Radicals. I think, if you listen to any music often enough, you will inevitably notice its nice points. Unless it's Avril or something. *puke*.

Eh Shijia don't ignore me on ICQ! And looks like everyone is sleeping early tonight, in preparation of tomorrow's doom. Guanzheng is right, it can't be completely bad, but yeah, I won't be too optimistic.

Sleepy. Goondnites and wish me luck. 10 more hours to seeing my death warrant. "Lee Kin Chung, I hereby sentence you to...... no scholarship and a place in a crappy arts course in NUS." Grrrr. Whats wrong with me.
- posted by K. C. @ 9:40 pm

 
Just finished reading Fahrenheit 451, wasn't really thrilled with it; couldn't identify well with it plus I'm rather sick of those themes already. And the melodramatic style of the 1950s, I don't really appreciate that.

The weather's screwed up, as hot as erm... what's 451 degrees F in Celsuis? Seriously, it's so terrible I'm think I'm not going to go cycling this evening, if it's still hot at 4.45pm. And hot days are sad days, and tomorrow is the Monday I'm dreading. I can imagine getting a B or C in a GP exam for the first time since Promos (hey I know this winning streak won't last), I can imagine getting zero A grades, and a pile of Ds, and red crosses all over, and comments like "try harder next time"( equals, "You are a lazy ass who can't be bothered for this exam. If you repeat this you're doomed."), I can imagine myself losing my sanity there and then. Maybe I'll get lucky though. But that's a BIG maybe.

It's like: Maybe the Jews and Arabs will reconcile. Maybe all sickness and sadness can be eradicated from the world. Maybe life will be perfect. Yaay. Sure sure, when someone goes insane in Singapore it's not just only about the exam grades, but a lot of other factors. But really academic performance is a big factor. It determines a person's perception of his worth to a very large extent. Especially so in a world where academic qualifications are essential, no matter how stupid this concept may be. We all know that judging a person based on his or her grades is lame and unfair, but everyone still does it. It's the only thing we have. And it's tradition. Old habits never die. We hate it but we are guilty of it.

Haha I'm listening to Don Mclean's Vincent, a tribute to Vincent Van Gogh, the world's favourite madman. First heard the song in a GP lesson where we formed groups and presented songs of meaning to the class, and explained what they mean. One group had this song, about a talented madman who used to chop off his own ear and then he killed himself. Another group did Linkin Park's Breaking the Habit which could refer to a person who used to self-mutilate finally deciding to 'break the habit' and commit suicide. And I, I chose the Manic Street Preachers' Kevin Carter, a song about a war photographer who commited suicide. The guy who wrote the lyrics used to self-mutilate, and had mysteriously disappeared since 1995, leaving his car near the Severn Bridge in Wales, a well-known suicide spot. There were another 3 groups who chose more neutral songs. But 3 out of 6 songs with suicide themes isn't very healthy.

Well... kids these days...
- posted by K. C. @ 4:10 pm

 
Some excerpts:

......I don’t want to fall asleep. If I do, It’ll probably be the end of it all. Or at least, that is the word that goes around......

......It’s just an old wives’ tale, but really, when you’re lying on the gurney on top of the blood-soaked gauze, looking at the shredded stump which used to be your left arm, clasping the rusty metal rod that had punctured your lung with your other hand, you really wouldn’t want to sneer at such tales. For you know you’re going to die.......

......I want to stare death in the eye, if it should happen. With my glassy, blood-stained eyes. Framed by blood-soaked hair.......

......But there’s one thing about death that’s as clear as the bold print of telephone bills, the legal clauses on the insurance forms, the really pragmatic, relentless facts of life. Death isn’t romantic. Nor is it poignant, or even tragic. It’s just the cessation of life, then the doctor signs the death certificate......

......Think happy thoughts, they say; but really, what? Watching comedy reruns on TV in a wheelchair flipping channels with my one remaining hand? Living on the pity of others which adds up to a few tens of dollars a month? Being a puppet for the government which applauds itself for giving you a mere pittance just so you can feed and clean yourself?......

Guess who wrote them?
- posted by K. C. @ 1:50 pm

 
I hate the thought of Monday, and it's only Saturday. You see, Prelims results are going to be out. And I know I screwed them up. And I mean it. I'm not one of those who acts humble/lies/deceives/whatever and I'd tell you if I know I'm going to ace a subject. Perhaps I'll come out alive for Bio, but the rest are plain sad.

Reason? They were hard papers, I couldn't get myself to really focus to mug, and I haven't been able to concentrate much lately. And yup, I'm not academic material. I don't even have passion for stuff like differential equations, ecology, organic compounds or oscillations. Some do, but most of us mortals don't. I don't even want to do science in the future. When it comes to school, I do the minimum to get what I want, the absolute minimum. Doesn't show a lot of passion right? Yup.

So in short, the reason why I'm a goner for my Prelims is that school sucks to me. And it sucks relatively less to the rest of us in RJC. Don't expect me to explain anymore. I'm sick of school, and it doesn't matter if I screw up just a little since I'm not going to get to overseas universities or gather scholarships anyway. And I think I'm depressed, and thats one of the reasons why they see that I'm not trying too hard.

But no matter what I say or think, I always end up freaking out when I receive the disgustingly low marks, anyhow. Maybe I'll run off halfway or something on Monday. Too stressful. Damn, every time I tell myself the results I get will not be important, in the end I still freak out when I see them for myself. I gotta be strong, damnit. Or I'll end up going insane right in the middle of RJC.

--

Anyway real life isn't all bad.

"Thank goodness for the good souls that make life better." - Starsailor.

I know of quite a few good souls I really should thank. And I'll do my best to show it, that I can't really live without these good souls. I suppose, I feel more about such stuff than most people do. Just that I don't seem to show it. When friends met up and all and it goes well, it means a lot to me. It's one of the better feelings that I get to go through in my life. But I have to show it. Damn. I have to try. I'm trying. I have to.

But when the time comes when friends have to part, and that there's no way to keep the friendship close anymore, there's not much point missing it. Nothing lasts forever, and still, the memories will still be cherished and appreciated, anyway, anyhow. Very often, nostalgia is just a manifestation of a hope for the past, but sadly there is no way to recreate most of the experiences we used to encounter.

In some months it'll be National Service, and I'm going to be strong. I'm not going to miss anyone because I won't chase an impossible dream of recreating the past. I'll appreciate them for what they were and what they will be, and then move on. The good souls will always linger in my memory.



- posted by K. C. @ 9:31 pm

 


Great. I wasted all my time making this silly label for my bike. I'm a winner, man. Sigh.
- posted by K. C. @ 3:56 pm

 
Let's see, was thinking how poor I am and now let's see what I would buy if I had infinite amounts of money at my disposal:
1. A better computer
2. All of Stereophonic's, Starsailors's, Oasis's, Staind's, Feeder's albums, and the New Radicals album. And concert tickets to any band I want to watch, and air tickets to the venues
3. A nice country house in Scotland
4. A Jaguar or a Lamborghini or a Ferrari, or all three, but no chauffer; I drive myself
5. An alpine white Gibson Les Paul Custom guitar and stacks of Marshall amps
6. Yamaha maple Custom drum kit
7. Canon EOS 1Ds digital camera, with a heap of lenses
8. A top-of-the-end Litespeed road bike. Oh, two. throw in a mountain bike too
9. Anything my wife would want; and my parents; and my kids, if it doesn't spoil them
10. A publishing company, focusing on new works from budding fiction writers and the most original poets
11. A ridiculously expensive hi-fi set to blast the whole house with music
12. Soundproofing, lest I end up having to bribe the policemen not to write up the complaints from the neighbours
13. A tract of temperate forest
14. A private library
15. Advertising space. I'll rid the world of silly advertising and put up inspiring words or pictures to allow people to get back in touch with their compassionate and empathatic side
16. Most importantly, a cure to my sadness
- posted by K. C. @ 11:12 am

 
Today I went out again, better to go out than to lose my sanity sitting in a corner at home and doing crazy shit.

Went out with another bunch of friends - Weizhen, Shijia, Tze Guan, Zhiyong. We went Kino@Bugis and read crappy Japanese language humour book - they had one called Making Out in Japanese, they had these phrases (English and japanese equivalents side-by-side) that could conceivably (erm no pun intended) be used in making out - and after making out. Lewd body parts, "Did it hurt?", 69, "I forgot to use protection" and the like, then "I suppose the protection didn't work", "Don't kill the baby", "Are you going to pay?" and so on. Quite funny. We laughed for a while. Then I got bored with laughing at that and laughed at Shijia's T-shirt. Some ugly mud-brown Camel (the cigarettes not the nuts) T-shirt. "Did you get this free after buying a lot of nuts?"

They ate. I didn't except for $2 worth of Takopachi octopus balls. I ate at home. We parted after they decided to watch Infernal Affairs 2 (I watched it already.) Sigh.

Then went to that bicycle parts shop at Waterloo Street. I bought this lame thing that protects your bike fram from being scratched by the chain when going down kerbs. This is the empty box:


You use it this way


$10 bucks for a piece of velcroed cloth. I'm a lamer sigh.

National Library. Borrowed 2 books on about the philosophy of logic, those illustrated Beginners' Guides. The other is about schizophrenia I love reading about the insane.

And HMV@City Link. Bought Starsailor's old album Love is Here. WTH am I doing, when they already have a new album?! Firstly, I didn't use to like Starsailor until I listened to their other songs (other than Good Souls and Alcoholic). And I found the newer album too laid back for my liking. And most importantly it's only $16. Cheapo me.

Went to MPH also, there's this Kurt Cobain's journals, a collection of his diary pages, all in longhand. Realised that Kurt Cobain writes his 'f' from bottom up like I do. Cool. Perhaps it reflects something about a depressive personality. And his diaries are quite interesting. He has lots of thoughts and emotions - intense ones- more than most people would ever feel. And I know that feeling. It sucks. I'd rather be a bit more numb.

Today Zhiyong and I enged in a SMS conversation about local literature, after we had talked about it earlier today. My opinion on it is, local literature is screwed up. In Singapore, in order to make it big in the literature scene, you have to write about local stuff in a local style and in a very pretentious way. Because if you don't, you'll be condemned by the oh-so-great critics who feel that you don't have a local flavour in your literature.

And thus, writers have to include the mundane, lifeless topics of Singaporean living - HDB flats, CPF problems, stressful and uninspiring school life and censorship. Cause they are supposed to make the story Singaporean. So in the end Singaporean characters are afterall just boring people who care no more than material success, who occasionally have some vestige of emotional insight. How many of the more realistic poems or plays or novels, that didn't forcibly try to be 'Singaporean', have ever gone through the critics unscathed?

Come on, literature doesn't have to pretend to be totally local right? Does Michael Crichton lament on increased Fed rates? Does Nick Hornby write chapter after chapter complaining about the Tories? Most authors don't have to bother with trying to make a story sound local - they only have to weave the story around a coherent setting and the critics won't complain. Singaporean writers have to do much more than that; they have to pretend.

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
-Dumb - Nirvana


- posted by K. C. @ 10:07 pm

 
Infernal Affairs 2 isn't as good as the first, but admittedly it's decent, despite it not having any real focus - it doesn't develop on any clear theme and does nothing much more than to tell a story. Towards the end the writers seemed to have run out of ideas, and continuity suffered, and there were a couple of glaring cases where they used miracles and coincidences to wrap an idea up, the proverbial deus ex machina. And the 2 newbie actors are no match as compared to the more mature ones in the previous one. They shouldn't have done this prequel actually, they should have let the first movie live in its own glory.

Well sigh I was rather lost in the movie, my mind hasn't been working very well lately. Couldn't relate one thing with another. My mind is screwed who knows pretty soon I'll be lying catatonic in some mental hospital if my brain degenerates even more. Arrgh nevermind.

Signs of depression:
Persistent sad, anxious, numb, or "empty" mood
Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, guilt
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down" or feeling sluggish
Increased appetite with weight gain, or decreased appetite with weight loss
Thoughts of self-injury, or attempting to injure yourself
Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability, nervousness
Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, backaches, etc.

I've all but 2 or 3 of these signs... guess which ones of these... hoo boy, am I supposed to get help or something? Not that anyone can really help me, from what I know and from experience. Maybe we're all meant to be depressed or something, considering how sucky life is, and the only choice we have is to show the world how we really feel, or to put on a fake front like everyone else. Yaay. I'm going to be a happier version of me. Yeah right.

On another note, remember, never try cycling hard for prolonged periods of time if you forget to bring any water with you. I've tried that.

And Plaza Singapura has a new Carrefour, which is of a formidable size, and especially so for its bike department, which unfortunately sells only crappy brandless bikes with super-duper-low-end parts, e.g. 18-speed drivetrains, when the branded stuff has already phased out 21-speed more or less. And the higher-end bikes there aren't worth the money at all.

And sharing a 2 litre bottle of lime juice in the cinema between 4 people really isn't that bad, and even though the lady wanted us to leave it with her (as food and drinks from otther places were not allowed inside) we just ignored her and she was too busy to pursue the matter. Cool.

- posted by K. C. @ 11:54 pm

 
OK so I'm not watching Pirates of the Caribbean but Infernal Affairs 2 later this afternoon. Hope nobody backs out, or I'm going to personally maul all of them to death. Yaay.

I need a Lizardskin chainstay protector for my bike! Any cheap lobang?
- posted by K. C. @ 1:43 pm