Togoparts.com Mass Ride!
It was a cloudy afternoon. I filled my water bottles, fitted the light, and set off to Macritchie. Rammed my way down Marymount road, at quite a nice speed as it was mainly downhill (which isn' a good thing, as I had to climb it the opposite direction about 10 hours later.)

Idled there for a long while, since I'm like a total newbie there, and didn't know anyone there. Then people came, talked a bit, mainly to the roadie from Bishan and then we set off, admidst the drizzle.

I tagged along with the last group, which I sorta regretted. Too slooow. Had to coast a lot of the way, which was no fun at all. We went by Upper Thomson Road, then Old Upper Thomson Road, then Seletar reservoir. Slow. Too slow. Going the Old Upper Thomson Road climb at that speed was like cutting butter with a hot chainsaw. You know the feeling, when you usually struggle up a climb but this time you're like moving at snail's pace up it without any effort.

Break point, and I met up with my IRC pals. Decided to go with them, in the middle group. The ride leader in front, my 2 pals next, then me and the rest behind. Then it rained heavily. The raindrops were giant. And they hurt as they fell onto you. Soaked, socks, shorts, t-shirt, everything, but nice. It was just the right pace. Glided down Mandai Road, watching the rain slowly stop.

Reached T15, and waited a long time for the rest to arrive, then we just went in, not wanting to wait until the cows, and the snakes, and the monkeys and the mosquitoes go home. below the gate, into the beginning of what was to be an experience of blood, sweat, and heaps of mud.

Rough. It was ficking rough, must be the erosion and all, it wasn't this bad the last time. Grrrr. The downhills were evil, and I sorta would have dieded without the guidiance of the more senior people there. I learnt to handle the bike downhills without braking like mad.

And then I fell. Ruts were too deep. Grazed 2 knees, and I'm glad I wore gloves. Bike is fine except a teeny scratch on the skewer and the saddle was warped. Saddle sucks. Rails made of jelly or something, all bent. Now I need to get a better one. It's the most pathetic part of my bike. Torn, ugly, not very comfy and worst of all, now warped. I had help trying to bend it back (but still no good) and letting out some air from my tyres.

Then we reached the end of T15, seeing that I was like half dead and all I had to make a decision to bail out and go on road, or to brave BT through. Deciding to be garang, I went on. It was tough, having to push my bike up a couple of slopes. Near-misses ocassionally, but managed to make it out more alive than before. You see, I sorta got the hang of it. Really gotta thank the senior people there.

Weary and tired we went to KAP to slack and wait for the rest. Ate fries, washed gloves and bottles and wounds. Bought 1.5L 100 Plus to refuel too. After waiting for like forever until 7pm, we assumed that we missed the other 2 groups, so we decided to group up with another fragment of group 3 and go to Marina South (end point) directly, using Bukit Timah Road and through the city. Went at quite a fast pace, barely kept up, and the cars were crazy and reckless. One of them sorta got pissed at us and made that clear, by sorta tailgating us. Red BMW. Family and kids. What a sad family. My rear blinker acted weird cause water had seeped into it. Switch didn't respond, and it was blinking at an unusually high rate.

And after being throughly deaded, we reached the area. Talked cock, ate, and ate. Way into the night. Didn't really like the food, but still it was ok, the senior guys treated us all to the drinks. A friend of mine kept on eating beef, and beef, and beef, quite funny really. He refused to eat anything else. Mad cow kekeke.

Then we ate and chatted way into the night, and left only when they started closing. Went our separate ways, with me following someone from Bishan and another from Novena, and eventually, I got home, really wet and muddy and dirty and all. Soaked.

Cleaned bike/helmet/gloves, bathed, and went online, felt too hyper to sleep. Damn, it really was fun and it's sorta rite of passage for me as a biker, going on a mass ride, and to BT.

It was the best time I had in a long, long time, and it's thanks to the many people who made my day.

(The reason I left blogging this until now is that I wanted to blog about this with a clear mind - this post deserves all the effort I can put it.)
- posted by K. C. @ 9:45 pm

 
Watch out for the new entry to be put up on this space.

Features:
- Fast and bumpy downhills
- Mud, sweat and blood
- A broken saddle
- Pouring rain
- Really helpful and nice people
- posted by K. C. @ 3:20 am

 
It's over. Three weeks of crappy exams, finally over, and I've struggled through. Dunno about the grades though, it has been so tiring I didn't really try to predict them.

But, but do we get the feeling of relief? Not really. No. We're all alone. The school made us this way. Self centered, and shallow. And there's no one to share our joy with. Can we really feel happiness if all there is is yourself?

Went with a friend to help him choose the parts to build up his PC. AMD 2800+, 2*256MB PC3200 DDR RAM, Geforce 4 MX440 128MB, Abit NF7, Lite-On CDRW/DVD-ROM, 80G hard disk, casing, all for slightly above $900. You can really get a lot for $900 these days if you show wisely. Do the reading up first. You need to know exactly what you need. E.g., it's not well known that 2 sticks of RAM work better than 1 larger stick for NForce2 mobos. AMD 3000+ is not worth getting. Geforce FX5200 doesn't really perform as compared to the predecessors in DirectX 8. NForce2 mobos have unparalleled integrated sound compared to the VIA crap.

Really, it's quite a bit cheaper that what I had expected PC stuff to be. And the casings these days are sleek, even though they are no-name made-in-China stuff. Ironically, I thought the Thermaltake casings were butt-ugly.

And that reminds me how crappy my PC is. Just deleted my Win98 partition. Not enough hard disk space to play any games in the first place so why bother. Everything's laggy. Even Java games run at 100% CPU. But I'm too broke to do anything about it.

Dammit.

I'm going cycling tomorrow with a bunch of strangers, including a couple of Internet pals. Togoparts.com mass ride. You see, I need to make new friends, considering how I've lost so many friends in the past 2 years. People change too much. It's freaky. And it's not often for the better. I hope I didn't change for the worse. Who knows?

I'll tell you more about it tomorrow or Sunday. Some of my schoolmates wanted to go rollerblading tomorrow, but I won't be joining them. It's out of the question. Experiencing a mass ride is a real priority now. No matter what. They've distanced themselves from me, for reasons beyond my comprehension. If they choose to do this, there's nothing I can do but to let go. The point to let go is when, they treat you more more coldly than they treat strangers. It obviously signals that there's something irreparable. Cut the losses. Move on.

It's a net loss of friendships over these years, but it's in no way catastrophic. We lose some, we win some. I have made new friends.

Sometimes, we have to be frigidly logical about things that we usually leave to our heart. Or we'll get hurt again and again.

Tyres pumped, and ready to go tomorrow! It starts at 2.30 at Macritchie.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:40 am

 
Burning the candle at both ends? Nopes. Just tossed myself into the pyres.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:03 pm

 
Today I didn't study at all, have lost the will, but it's not going to matter as much as the past 2 weeks. Technically, I've revised for everything that's gonna come out already.

So I went to Bugis Sim Lim and bought the ink cartridge. Epson T29. Tri-coloured juice for the thirsty beast. $35, a bargain considering that the other shops were selling it for $40 or $39.50. It helps to go visit every store that sells ink cartridges. Usually, the higher you get, the cheaper the prices, but I wonder why.

Went to the bike shop at Bugis but they didn't have what I wanted.

Went to Tampines and got the bule one of:

because the original grips were shedding and were super uncomfortable and slippery, and also:

because I didn't want anymore of:

that don't heal fast.

Yaay wasted $35. What a lamer.

Back to Bishan MRT, where I rode on my beater bike (now with the old uncomfortable GT grips - originals were even nastier) back to the slope at my block when the rear wheel finally decided to shift itself around until it hit the seatstay tubing. Stuck. Had to carry it to the balcony and refix it, and my new grips on my bike. Man the grips were tight, it really took lots of effort. But yaay, nice grips and nice gloves, I'm all ready for Saturday's big ride. And it's all blue, just like my blue bike with a blue helmet and blue everything. It's a blue blue blue blue blue bike, with a blue rider, turning blue after the steep uphills.

And it looks like the bike I have has increased in price since. Yaay, saved $25 by being an early bird. Looked at lower-end bikes for Weizhen too. The GT Aggressors look a little pricey though, so I dunno if they're ok.

***

Feeling down tonight. I speak but no one listens. People ask, but they don't even want answers. They'll stick to what they want to know, and what they want to listen. So why ask? Some ego thing perhaps? It didn't used to happen when were were younger and nicer people. I've lost my trust in so many people. So what? Be alone? No, things don't work that way. Gotta make new friends, cross out those who I can't really consider friends, etc. Gotta do that. Life works that way. Cause, effect. When there is a lack, find ways to fill that shortage. When there's something wrong, right it. Life can be simplified into mechanical logic most of the time.

Not all the time, otherwise we'll be selfish autamatons. Many of us already are, and it's sad. All the things that have happened in the past years, they've shaped me to see more than 'logic'. Not in a religious way, but some may call it spiritual. I don't. I call it perspective. In the end, it's all the little, intangible things that make life tolerable. A casual chat with a friend, the ocassional splendid sunrise, the surprise phone call, the song on radio, the pleasant ride in the woods (cliched, but that's what I do more than once a week). It's not so much the achievements in life, but these little things, that make us what we are anyway. Perspective is important. A self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed and uncaring world is a sad one.

Do what you want. If you're the kind of self-centered, selfish person I'm talking about, I really don't think that you give a damn about what I've said. If not, you already have the right perspective, probably. Nothing I say is going to change anything. I'm just writing this down to let it off my mind.

Problem is, idealism doesn't work. Causes for the common good never succeed. That's why Singaporeans don't care for democracy or politics or whatever. Saw Chee Soon Juan selling their publication at Bugis, and I was thinking. True democracy is for the common good and not for selfish reasons, and it never works. Why? people are selfish. They know that Empowering the disadvantaged means disempowering themselves, the advantaged. And they know that in the long run, they lose out. And the lesser-advantaged still don't believe in it, because political change is always associated with immediate economic problems, and even if change is good for the future economy, they don't care. They want the money and they want it now. Who really says 'for the future generations' anymore?

I have a piece of advice, no matter what. Don't step on anyone's toes. It's not nice.
- posted by K. C. @ 12:59 am

 
I have a diarrhoea, a sore throat and the headache.

But the weather's nice.

*Stares at the bike with great indecision*
- posted by K. C. @ 11:27 am

 
Lostprophets is a great band! And it's not Lost Prophets, it's Lostprophets!

Five Is a Four Letter Word
Shinobi vs Dragon Ninja
Still Laughing
Ode to Summer
and best of all.... The Fake Sound of Progress!

They're a break away from the pretentiousness of Linkin Park, the incoherence of At The Drive-In, the indecipherable lyrics of Rammstein, and RATM's good-but-heard-too-many-times.

It's just not the Americans who are good at nu-metal, there's great Welsh stuff out there too. Wales, population the size of Singapore, but with zillions of famous musical acts, from Tom Jones to the Stereophonics, to the Manic Street Preachers, to Charlotte Church, and now Lostprophets and Funeral for a Friend.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:03 am

 
When girls wear blue, they are cool.
When guys wear pink they are gay.

When girls ride motorcycles they are adventurous.
When guys sew or bake, they are girlies.

When girls wear shirts and jeans, they have attitude.
When guys wear skirts and blouses, they are transvestites.

When girls dabble with computers, they are intellectual.
When guys are passionate about fashion they are weird.

When girls are able to fix a broken tap, they are really independent and resourceful.
When guys are able to whip up a meal, it's only expected of him.

When girls become leaders they are considered to have gone against the odds.
When guys fail to become leaders they are considered to be losers.

Spot the problem?

- posted by K. C. @ 11:55 pm

 
Ok, finally got to watch Matrix Revolutions, and I didn't like it.

(Obligatory 10-line spoiler alert. Includes detailed description and analysis of the plot, including its ending.)









The problem with movies these days is that, any director can shy away from admitting the plot holes that they've made by overhyping it as a postmodern, artistic flick that is intentionally written to provoke thinking.

But really, I'm quite sure that those things that we're made to think about - they're just inconsistensies and don't have any real logical link to the rest of the movie.

Take for example, how could the Sentinels be stopped by Neo suddenly, out of the blue? How did Agent Smith migrate out of the Matrix into the real world and possess Bane? And - how did he get those scars? (Apparently a Hollywood fashion thing.)

And you know and I know, that there's not gonna be any logical conclusion, no matter how we analyse the three movies. So why bother? For all that it's worth, it's just a plot hole. And the directors probably thought it was cool to have these plot holes. It'd be cooler though, if they could be answered.

The fights in this installment offer nothing new, there's a pale replica of the revered Lobby Scene, but the rest simply are just poor excuses for fights. The ending battle at Zion was rather cool but way too draggy. Surely, they could've included more intricate action? The storyline for the movie isn't spectecular anyway. Neo gets stuck at the train station, Neo sees the Oracle, Neo decides to head his own way for his final purpose. The act with Bane is a good high, but there was a tad too much foreshadowing to make things exciting after that. We know that they will die, right from the beginning - how else would you expect things to happen when you've got 2 people on the ship with no weapons?

The characterisation is strong, but that's about the only good point of the movie. That, and the fact that it's the conclusion to the trilogy. The Zion battle part was cool too, admittedly.

The concept of the Agent Smiths and Neo annilhilating each other as if a positron colliding into an electron is too far a stretch, I think. We're supposed to believe that both of them are programs, and the Neo program is activated to bring forth another incarnation of the Matrix, where there's peace and machines and people cohabitate peacefully.

The ending is rather freaky, if you've seen it. We get cued in to the fact that the Oracle, the Architect, the Indian girl and even the cat are all programs, as a finale. The Architect: "What do you think I am - human?". So we know that they're all programs. Neo is a program. Agent Smith is a program. Perhaps the Frenchie and his wife too. Maybe everything is a program. Zion, the Sentinels, Morpheus, Trinity, the 'real world', they're all programs, balancing each other on the equation that the Oracle speaks of.

Still, any attempt to interpret it at depth is futile; too little facts, too many contradictions.
- posted by K. C. @ 11:41 pm

 
End of second wave of exams!

3 papers, last ended at 5.45pm.

Dead beat. Too tired to really blog.
- posted by K. C. @ 8:31 pm

 
Yawn.

Kick me.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:21 pm

 
I almost died today.

Fucking car decided to speed at 60 on a winding road meant for 30. Fuck it. And in the middle of the fucking 1-lane road. Had to swerve to save myself. And of course, I fell. (The laws of Physics won't permit any other way.) I was doing about 25 myself. (kmh for all values)

And the fucking driver just stopped there, waited for me to pick up my lights and speedometer which dropped off, and sped off. Not a single word or gesture.

This guy on the GT Police (model name, not Singapore Police Force) bike (saw him for the fist time at that road quite some time ago while riding with Gerald, sometime in August) stopped to see if I needed help, but by then, I had already gathered my nerves and my stuff, so all that was left was placing the chain back on the chainring. So I said I could do it myself and smiled. One good guy, finally. One.

OK and there were these workers right opposite the road, and they didn't give a damn about what had happened, they just stared. So it's one rogue driver, a bunch of apathetic workers and one nice guy.

My saddle's torn, have to patch it back with some glue. My grip is sheared off at a part, I had to file off all the burrs from the bar plugs and fill them with glue. And I had to repaint the rear wheel skewer and the end of the handlebar. Fuck it. I mean, I don't exactly like the grips, but fuck it. It fucking sucks. The bell's damaged, but it's cheap and it saved the shifters by taking the impact.

OK it isn't all bad. There's the nice guy with the GT Police bike. But in the end, the world is mostly crap people. Really, don't try to convince me otherwise, when there's somebody fallen on the ground, knees and elbows bleeding, water bottle, speedometer, lights all on the ground, and no one gives a shit. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but just accurate.

The fact is, apart from family and a few close friends (as in, a small few, whose lives have been touched by the person), no one gives a shit even if one dies.

I told some of my friends about it, and I got sorta ignored sometimes, expressions of shock and all, but they didn't seem to take it very seriously. Maybe it was the way I said it. Nobody takes anybody seriously anymore in this cynical day and age anyway, sigh. I don't blame anyone. I've heard cases when the police disbelieved calls made to 999, when the situation was actually critical. My friends didn't even pretend that they were concerned - and they were probably not. Perhaps if it was more serious...... Hey it has its good points. If I die it'd be the end of all that crap I face, if I get injured more seriously I'd get a break from National Service. I'm not the kind of person who values my own life anyway.

The physical pain is nothing. I can deal with scrapes all over, and a strained muscle, you know how good I am with pain. But the hurt of seeing the bike damaged, and the much bigger hurt of knowing that the world doesn't give a shit about anyone, sigh. I knew it was true. I knew that people were self-absorbed in their own selfish desires. But I didn't know it's that bad.

Maybe I was not made for living. They say, when you meet with a brush like that, you start to value life more. But really, how can I be expected to value my life when people treat each other like dirt? Yes. Life is fragile. So what.

I'm rambling. But hey cut me some slack. Perhaps I almost DIED today?

PS: The new seatpost was nice, after I rode on it. It's much easier pedalling when the seat is high enough.
- posted by K. C. @ 10:23 pm

 
OK Biotech was surprisingly smooth.

Went to GHC despite the Chem exam tomorrow, I'm mad. It was damn hard to find, considering that I remembered that it was behind Art Museum, but then it was obscured by some crappy construction, and the roads were blocked everywhere, so took like forever to find it. Ended up almost at Bugis before heading backwards to there. I hate directions.

Thus I bought a seatpost for my bike (list price $35), an X-tas-Y satpost, by some German company. Der Deutsche Website ist damn hard to read. 400mm, since I found my old 300mm one way too short. Couldn't decided between the cheaper-and-lighter Kalloy one and the nicer-and-pricier X-tas-y until I found that the latter seemed structurally much stronger. Isn't too heavy anyway, it's 300g on the scale (webby says 330) compared to my shorter-but-heavier noname one at 310g.

Wanted gloves but no money, just looked around at gloves. I want Fox Gloves!

And then I took the bus home. Boring journey, blah.

Tomorrow's Chem so I need Lots of Luck. Arrgh why am I not studying now? *whacks self with old 310g seatpost*
- posted by K. C. @ 8:25 pm

 
Relistened to X-Japan, and now I finally have a concrete opinion on what I like - and what I don't like - about their music.

Firstly, they have good musical skills, especially Hideto Matsumoto's guitar playing (too bad he passed away.) The drummer's quite OK too, and all. But what I don't like are the vocals. And the phoney English parts, since they can't really pronounce the words in the first place. Luna Sea does English words better.

Also lately I've rediscovered Sum 41's Half Hour of Power, on my CD rack, which I have sorta forgotten about. The last time I heard it I really enjoyed it, you could hear that they were not yet jaded then, unlike their current stuff. Bands these days get jaded too easily. Must be the record companies, sucking every dollar from both the consumers and the artists. And still they blame piracy.

So yup, in short, I've been listening to old stuff. Nothing new.

My days are boooring. It's the end of the 4 day break, and productivity was disappointing. I can't psyche up anymore, after the more-tiring-than-expected first wave. I swear, if it was even one paper longer than it was, I would have lost my marbles. Really. So now I'm depending on all my 2 years of work, which isn't much. At least, Maths is over. I always worry about maths, as it's one of those things that you can't fake your way out. And I think I'm fucked for Chem. Unless I do really well for Tuesday. And I haven't really touched Biochem. Really. Wish me luck.

I have nothing much to say. My self-pity is mine to keep. Me and myself only. Keep out.



DHMO FAQ - Read this, learn the dangers of this harmful chemical that's affecting our lives, and don't call me stupid.

Guardian Online: Taxpayers' bill for royals soars - that's where all the British taxpayers' hard-earned money go. Fuck the Queen and country, so they say.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:50 pm

 
I'd never get to watch Matrix.

Fact 1: Almost everyone has already watched it, and I haven't been invited. There really isn't anyone else I can ask. I mean, I do have friends and all, but they've formed their own cliques and so on. I don't belong in a clique.

Fact 2: They would rather watch it with someone else. They give excuses not to watch with me, and then promptly watch it with others. You know, it'd be nice if they tell me why they don't want to watch it with me or something, rather than lie through their teeth that they're not going to watch the movie. At least let me understand. I'm quite an understanding person, I like to believe. Or am I really that revolting?

Fact 3: Dammit I'm not going to watch it alone.

Looks like maybe the embargo of any Matrix-related spoilers that I always try to impose on the people around me, I shouldn't have bothered.

Today I met my friend on ICQ, but he was busy so I couldn't talk to him much. Really wanted to talk to him - haven't met for a long time. Sigh. I should phone him or something, but it's the exams and I don't wanna intrude. :(

I'm going to hide in my own cocoon and entertain myself writing crap about adamantium or literal stuff, or just do the things I like to do; by myself. I don't choose the cocoon; really, there's no other choice. I'm losing my faith in friendship. But then, I know that I can tolerate solitude. I'm strong enough. It's harder than having friends, but yes, I know I can do it. When trapped in predicament, man's resilence becomes evident.

Sometimes I wish I were more pessimistic. Then I could've seen how badly things were going to turn out. I used to be called a pessimist, but obviously, my pessimism wasn't enough.

And yes, I'm still welcome if anyone wants to watch matrix with me.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:39 am

 
Adamantium - suitable for bicycle frames?
After reading up on materials online, I think I know what Adamantium (the alloy used for Wolverine's skeleton) is.

Firstly, 'adamantite' is an ore of titanium, so by similarity of words it's probably a titanium alloy.

However, which titanium alloy? Firstly, we know that Wolverine is magnetically affected by Magneto, thus there must be a significant component of ferromagnetic metal in the alloy.

Titanium-Nickel alloy (Nitinol) with about 45-55 composition seems to be the alloy with the most percentage of ferromagnetic metal. Iron alloys of titanium have too little of iron, at single digit percentages, to be effectively ferromagnetic. In addition, Nitinol has excellent biocompatibility properties, which means it can be implanted in the human body with little rejection effects.

However, the tensile yield strength of a Ti-Ni alloy isn't phenomenal, at about 560 MPa (only slightly higher than 4130 Cromo Steel at 460MPa). In addition, its modulus of elasticity is only about 3/8 of Cromo. This would mean that it flexes a lot, (as you know, Ti bicycle frames flex a lot) which is not a good thing when it's going to be used as claws.

Thus, it is probable that Adamantium is a metal matrix composite, with either carbon fibre, silicon carbide or titanium carbide mixed into the alloy to increase the modulus of elasticity and tensile yield strength.

In short, Adamantium is a titanium-nickel alloy with non-metal fibres or particles added to strengthen it.

However Adamantium will not be good for bicycle frames, due to the 40% increase in density as compared to the more popular 6Al 4V titanium, with a significant loss of tensile yield strength (unless matrixed with other materials - expensive). The only advantage Adamantium has is its biocompatibility.

Can anyone familiar with material engineering verify this? I do not have any specific experience in this.

(Figures are taken from www.matweb.com)

-originally posted on cycling forum Togoparts thus the cycling bias
- posted by K. C. @ 12:21 am

 
No music to go with this, if I have the time I'll think it up

1:
We never knew how it would end
The days, when we crammed our hearts
with silver mirror images of content

2:
We had the the whites still in our eyes
As friends, we never meant to hurt
We had no daggers behind our backs

Bridge:
The stars, they have fallen from the skies,
Like the glitter from your eyes.
Sometimes we have to believe our own lies,
Just to hold, hold back the tears.

Chorus:
Now weary and broken
We fall out, we're fallen
All the world's a stage
With the props and the fake

3:
Now we get what we're seeing
Sleep, how can we sleep at night
With the stench of hate on my clothing

4:
Grasping the broken strings of trust
You know, it's the way it's always been
We don't choose our dreams they choose us

Bridge
Chorus

Ending:
All the world's a stage
We know that it's fake
All the world's a stage
We know that it's fake
We know
We know

- posted by K. C. @ 12:05 pm

 


- posted by K. C. @ 2:26 pm

 
Lim peh ka li kong ah, don't work so hard until you lose sight of life itself. Watch matrix with me lah. 4 days, and sure got time one, no need to study so much, play a bit, relax, it helps you study better.

Lim peh ka li kong ah, life is more than study study study.
- posted by K. C. @ 12:55 pm

 

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results

Sociability	||||||	30%
Gregariousness	||||||||||||||||	62%
Assertiveness	||||||||||||	42%
Activity Level	||||||||||||	46%
Excitement-Seeking	||||||||||||||||||	78%
Cheerfulness	||||||||||||	46%
Extroversion	||||||||||||	50%
Trust	||||||||||||	46%
Morality	||||||||||||||||||||	82%
Altruism	||||||||||||||||	66%
Cooperation	||||||	30%
Modesty	||||||||||||||	54%
Sympathy	||||||||||||||||	70%
Friendliness	||||||||||||||	58%
Self-Efficacy	||||||||||	34%
Neatness	||||	14%
Dutifulness	||||||||||||||||	70%
Achievement	||||||||||||	42%
Self-Discipline	||||||	30%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||	42%
Orderliness	||||||||||	38%
Anxiety	||||||||||||||	58%
Anger	||||||||||||||||	66%
Depression	||||||||||||||||	70%
Self-Consciousness	||||||||||||||||	62%
Immoderation	||||||||||||||||	62%
Vulnerability	||||||||||||||	58%
Emotional Stability	||||||||||	38%
Imagination	||||||||||||||||||||	86%
Artistic Interests	||||||||||||||||||	74%
Emotionality	||||||||||||||||||	74%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||||	78%
Intellect	||||||||||||||||	62%
Liberalism	||||||||||||||||||||	82%
Intellectualness	||||||||||||||||||	76%

Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test
- posted by K. C. @ 7:03 pm

 
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the very doable maths paper, it was the terribly difficult chemistry paper.

I feel like crap. I feel fucking stupid. So how? I tried as hard as my effort could take me. But.... but..... sigh.
- posted by K. C. @ 7:58 pm

 

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Ooh la la I have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I go around setting stuff on fire in public, with my fellow spray-paint toting vandals, and nick wallets from old ladies and make prank calls to the police.

Yeah right.

- posted by K. C. @ 11:15 pm

 
How shalt I describe the rather painless struggle of the battle of numbers? Like a knife into cold butter, though not too hot a knife. It's like, a little slippery, but once you get the blace through - there you have it, a cleanly-sliced sliver of butter.

I knew how to do everything, which is a Good Thing for someone as unaccquainted with nummbers as I am. There were little struggles here and there - most notably of all, the mathematical induction one. I can't say that I was't careless here and there, but then, a small margin of carelessness has already been an acceptable and predicted consideration in all my exams - afterall, I'm not particularly systematic - I tend to struggle through questions using my own thought processes and my own ideas. (If you're wondering if this is an attack against those mugger-toads, who feel that memorising every method is of paramount importance, then you're wondering(wandering?) the right way.)

What was more miraculous was, two doses of coffee was able to correct that horrendous insomnia of mine last night (caused by a combination of: continuous late nights, too much coffee to support the former, and exam anxiety) perfectly. I was fully alert during the exam itself, despite yawning away half my waking time right before and after the paper. When things go right, there's this nice feeling about it. I didn't wait too long for the bus, I did okay for Maths, and my revision for Chem seems unexpectedly smooth. (Could understand the examples on first sight, unlike previous attempts. Not because of hard work, but because of the way my strange mind works - I study something, forget it about it for months, and when I get back to it I become better than before. The information in my brain probably rearranged itself throughout the months, something to think about when you marvel at how a bunch of neurones can amount to so much, to the extent that it forms the groundwork for how we do and perceive things, and how we think and feel.)





- posted by K. C. @ 6:11 pm

 
Blogger isn't publishing posts properly again.

Maths tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Weird things is, I dreamt that I was trying to do the A level Physics Practical, and ended up not doing the paper cause I didn't know anything and I was panicking and all. There were questions I saw but didn't understand at all. Then it was like, I awoke, fell asleep, then dreamt part II, where I was like, trying to remember (in my dream) if I had even attempted question two, etc. Creepy dream, really. The weird thing was that, Physics Practical was already long ago over, and I had done quite OK for it, really, a fact that I had remembered towards the end of my dream.

Is that a good sign? Is it symbolic that my fears are all unfounded? I hope so.

I saw it written and I saw it say
Pink moon is on its way
And none of you stand so tall
Pink moon gonna get you all
It's a pink moon
It's a pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon.
- Nick Drake - Pink Moon


- posted by K. C. @ 11:23 am

 
Today is Chem and Bio day. Yesterday was stats and bio. So yeah, slow but steady.

Sigh.

The world will be better someday.

And my PC too. Defragmenting doesn't help any. Still as slow. What's the price of a low-end PC? I need to earn that moolah in NS. Parents won't pay. And I still owe them about $80.
- posted by K. C. @ 6:38 pm

 
Today. Woke up at 12. Am becoming nocturnal.

Rained. And rained. Then rained again. At 1pm the sun was at its strongest, and in minutes it was a downpour. Wonder what had made the skies so mad. Slacked around, couldn't concentrate on Physics. Gee.

Rain stopped, dirtied my bike riding it through the endless puddles and the post-rain fog and darkness was really depressing. Fogged up air, fogged up glasses, fogged up everything. The air was refreshing though. My headlight was weak, I realised. So much for cheap Taiwan products. Still, riding in the evening sun would have been better. And I need gloves but still can't afford them yet. Oh well, I'm used to pain.

Revised Stats, still have the last bit left, but sigh, coffee-induced awakeness isn't exactly suitable for mugging. 3 more mugging days. Doom.

My computer sucks. There's only so much a Pentium II can do, considering the CD reader is down (leaving only the burner), the CPU is at almost 100% utilisation cause it's so slow, the Zip drive is long dead, the sound card has an iffy output connector, the hard drive makes weird noises and the monitor is losing its brightness.

BTW I haven't watched Matrix Revolutions, and at this rate I'm gonna end up the only person who never got to watch it, as was the case for Pirates and a whole hell lot of movies. I need more friends. If you want to be my friend leave something on my tagboard, yeah. I'm desperate.

I can't write coherently today.

Oh shit it's so late now. Nites.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:18 am

 
Whatever. I've ended the record, but then I feel better now. It's so loserish but I do what I have to.

Today I'm gonna mug all the way, time is running out tick tick tick.

Rammaging the fridge for some semblance of a lunch again. Life will get better, I hope.

I hope.
- posted by K. C. @ 12:21 pm

 
It's been days since I've blogged about myself (read: whined and bitched and moaned) so it's a good sign, I hope.

So I've finished organic chem (I think) and am gonna start on physics, and inorg chem, and the rest of stats, and maybe calculus again. Sad to say my pace is rather disappointing, not being able to concentrate and all. Yup, not enough of those neurotransmitters diffusing across the synaptic clefts, not enough action potentials, lack of excitatory postsynaptic potentials, et cetra. My grey matter is in shambles, and my axons are broken pipes.

And worst of all I have this feeling - not exactly feeling, more of knowledge, I mean, its a logical deduction - that I'm slowly being shunned by the people I know. First of all, everyone's gonna watch the new installment of The Matrix, but I don't seem to get anyone asking me if I'm interested, except one who I think got his ticket booked and all already. Second of all, like I have said, the SMSes I am receiving are few and far-between, coming mainly from just one person. Phone calls... ugh... the last one I had received was a wrong number, these days I'm the one who makes the calls, and people seldom call. The calls I receive are so seldom that they can't even be approximated by any statistical method (not even Poission, which is suited for infrequent, random events that occur over a frame of time) I know of.

How about ICQ? Everyone I try to speak to ignore me, almost. 60% ignore rate, last I tried. My friend who I used to talk to online never comes online anymore. Though I get a few pleasant surprises now and then. I'm having doubts about whether the people I hang out with these days can actually be considered my friends. They're all becoming self-absorbed, and progressively more and more shallow. And less humourous. And most freaky of all, they stop believing in the passions, the beliefs, the principles, the aspirations they used to. Preparing themselves for their prostitution to the government, in exchange for a scholarship? I didn't remember them being so affable to the pretentious front of the government.

I'm officially a hermit now. Recluse. Hidden. Probably, the fact is that I'm not the only one, if I try to find comfort in my situation. The environment of junior college life - especially one in a top JC - endears itself to alienation and repression and lonliness. Did she feel those when she decided change her state of existence? I dunno. But sometimes it leaves me thinking. All these thinking, it changed me. As you already know, it makes so much of our lives seem so little, when compared to life itself.

True true. I'm wallowing in my own stale stew of self-pity, but what else can I do? Pull myself out of this? No, there's nothing that can be changed right now. No hope, no aspirations, no decisions, no choices, except whether to hold my breath or not. There's only one path, a single pair of ruts on the mud that leads to a place that looks dreadful and gloomy. A path so well-travelled, but I'm all alone on that path. No woods. No path less travelled. I'm going headfirst into my own dread. I smell it. I smell the damp, mouldy stench of gloom. And doom. A tomb.

It sucks, it simply sucks, for the lack of a better word. It's hard to justify one's existence if what's ahead is nothing more than cesspools. A cesspool for hate, a cesspool for pretentiousness, a cesspool for selfishness, a cesspool for injustice, a cesspool for oppression. Maybe, it's cause I haven't touched the sharps for exactly 20 days. (Of course, except for the chainring teeth, but that's another story.) Probable clinical depression, exam stress, existential disdain, cynicism, anger, despair. A nice cocktail indeed.

"This fall I think you're riding for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started. You follow me?"
- The Catcher In The Rye, J. D. Salinger

BTW don't read NTUC's Lifestyle magazine. The columnists can't write for nuts, especially in the computer section and the music reviews. Maybe they could use me as a freelance columnist there or something.
- posted by K. C. @ 2:05 am

 
Suprisingly, the furore over the medical decisions made over Lee Kuan Yew's wife's stroke seems rather subdued, despite the sheer gravity of the situation.

The wife of Singapore's Senior Minister, Mdm Kwa Geok Choo had suffered a stroke in the United Kingdom on the night of October 25, and was given what can only be considered to be special VIP treatment, before being flown by aeroplane back to Singapore in just two days, against medical advice.

It was reported by the Straits Times, then confirmed by Lee Kuan Yew in his press statement, that he called 10 Downing Street specifically to demand special treatment. There were no CT scans available at 3.30am in the hospitals of London, as per standard procedure, presumably due to the lack of need of emergency CTs in most cases. He had to wait for 4.5 hours for the CT department to open, and to him, that was unacceptable. He called 10 Downing street, and pestered them to do a CT just for him.

This obviously is unfair VIP treatment. Singaporean hospitals might pander to any requests of VIPs despite the consequences and inconveniences, but what SM Lee fails to see is that, what he had been experiencing here in Singapore is simply unfair to the rest who have to have their care compromised just to pander to his demands. Being a VIP doesn't mean that he/she has more right to have a go at life than others do.

Now for the more practical ramifications of that decision: Hospitals have a limited amount of resources, and that selfish decision probably inconvenienced other patients, who probably include patients in worse state than the SM's wife. Nurses and radiologists will have to be called in from other departments.

There are medical reasons to delay a CT scan too; it takes time for the stroke pathology to become visible on the CT, and a CT done too early would have to be repeated in order to obtain significant results, and this would cause further inconvenience, loss of resources and unnecessary X-ray exposure to the SM's wife. NHS protocol states that the CT should be done only 6-8 hours after onset, and not more than 48 hours after, for good reason. In addition, the results of the CT has little bearing on the initial treatment of stroke cases. For the first few hours, stroke patients are often given clot-thinning or preventing medication and observed for further clinical signs that might warrant further treatment, regardless of what the CT states.

Someone I had spoken to on IRC has gleaned facts from various online articles that there were 3 cases of myocardial infarction (heart attack, in laymanspeak) in the hospital at the time, and triage had determined that these cases were more crucial at that time, as compared to the SM's wife's rather mild stroke. The SM was rather unhappy at the way he had to wait in queue, presumably, from his tone of his statement. There is no reason why the SM should disrespect triage, where ideally, status, wealth and other circumstantial factors should not matter, and that the well-being and the survival of the patient is the utmost importance. Expecting to jump queues because of a VIP status - how could one pride himself for doing that?

Another point of contention would be the SM's decision to fly her wife back to Singapore against medical advice. For the first few days, a stroke patient is especially vulrenable to cardiovascular complications, such as pulmonary embolism or even a worsening of the stroke. Air travel has shown to increase such risks. In addition, the medical team on that aeroplane, despite SM Lee's praises, was grossly inadequate to deal with any complications. As a poster in an internet forum had mentioned, they were consultants who were probably out of touch with hands-on procedures, such as CPR, or creating an artificial airway. Wouldn't it have been much safer to let her recuperate in the UK until she is well enough to go through air travel with minimal medical aid?

I have a feeling that this is due to a combination of Lee Kuan Yew's overbearing attitude, his national pride, and his eagerness to prove the superiority of his own country's medical system (irregardless of the truth of this). These clouded his judgement, which eventually could have cause catastrophic consequences to his wife, and to the others in the UK whose treatment was compromised to meet with SM Lee's unreasonable demands. He should count himself lucky that nothing serious had happened.


For more information: Sintercom Delphi Forums
- posted by K. C. @ 11:19 am

 
In reply to some internet forum topic about the disgusting facts of raw meat preparation (cow eyeballs and noses are used in meat patties, low-grade meat is often made from using water jets to scrape off meat from bones which ends up as a gooey grey paste coloured red artificially, large fractions of hamburger patties testing positive for bacterial forms, etc):

Anyway you have to admit, not many people get sick from eating meat, more often food poisoning is due to improper hygiene at hawkers, etc, or improper storage. These two should be much more a concern that the way raw meat is handled (it will be cooked anyway).

In fact, E. coli is found in most meat, but is often harmless unless it's a dangerous strain, and the meat so happens to be undercooked. Beef presents a particular problem, because it is seldom fully cooked when served.

But still, in some circumstances contaminated raw meat might be a problem, but this is a not a common problem. There's this book Toxin by Robin Cook, which presents meat industry contamination and corruption issues in a fictional form. Go read it, because it's both informative and interesting.

But all in all, it's no use being paranoid about all these. Meat tastes great, and it's worth that small risk. Just make sure your meat is well-cooked and stored/handled properly, and it's probably safer than many other risks we take in life. (cycling on roads, swimming, pollution, etc)

Unless you have ethical/religious considerations, it's really beneficial to eat meat, which can easily provide you with sufficient B vitamins and amino acids, nutrients that only very-carefully planned vegetarian diets can provide. And also, consider the taste and convenience of meat!

- posted by K. C. @ 11:53 pm

 

"The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself"
- Mary Schmich, better known as the original author of Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen).

- posted by K. C. @ 7:37 pm

 


Let us put our heads down and be gloomy around you.
You are one morbid, perhaps depressing
character. Your dark mind causes you to talk
about things of the same subject. Others
(myself included) may not mind your talk and
find it interesting to talk to you since death
is just a natural thing. Yes, death fascinates
you, but there is no need to keep bringing it
upon people about their own demise. You may see
life as just a phase we go through before we
die. You may even think of what your funeral
will be like. You are not a depressed person,
although that's a possibility. But yeah, you
could be an outsider and have your own strange
friends. Happy Halloween though, Bleak One.


What Halloween Figure Are You? (Fun Quiz! MANY RESULTS!)
brought to you by Quizilla


- posted by K. C. @ 11:55 pm

 
I'm unwell. As in physically. My GI tract is acting up.
- posted by K. C. @ 4:20 pm

 
I hate waiting. It's always me who waits, me being one of those few who still believes in punctuality and niceness and all. Most importantly of all, I know how much it sucks to be waiting. Just waited 45 minutes today for some self-absorbed girl who's too involved in her own world to show understanding that the world is more than just a sanctuary for her whims and fancies. Everyone tries to appear nice. But it's all a farce. Everyone's so self-centered these days. Especially when they mature. When everyone knows that niceness, honour, pride, respect and truth aren't profitable anymore. Selfishness, however is. When everyone feels they should cheapen themselves to be rich.

The thing is, no really cares, no one really feels anything wrong, about being late. Because, they can't. They're so self-absorbed in their whims and fancies, they don't care to hurt their friends (assuming that he/she considers the subject to be a friend), they don't care about how much inconvenience they create. I rushed to the place (cutting red lights on my bicycle) only to wait. Because someone can be late by almost an hour, and can justify her self-indulgence by making empty claims of how busy she is, doing her selfish things. And by the time it was over it was nightfall, I reached the station in the dark, and ended up cycling in the dark without lights because I'm a foolish idiot who trusts people to keep to the time. I never liked her attitude. But I pretend. I had no choice. Sometimes selling one's soul is the only way to pay for one's journey. But so many people I know are this self indulgent. She's not especially bad or something. Maybe it's the system. Maybe it's the culture. But still it leaves the few of us, who see more in life, alienated.

And I had to rush, cutting amber lights, changing lanes recklessly, swerving around stuff, overtaking cars, et cetra, so as to make it back home at a decent time. Had some loud horning behind me after the junction where I rushed through the amber. Maybe it was my fault, I dunno. Nagging phone calls from home while I'm on the road don't help. When I'm in a foul mood, I'm dangerously reckless. Really, I need to do something about that recklessness that always happens when I'm in a foul mood. This is no joke. If it keeps on hapenning it's only a matter of time before something nasty happens. It's getting worse cause I've been keeping away from venting my anger at myself. Really, which is the lesser evil? One hurts, and the other kills. Or paralyses. Depending on where the car bonnet strikes me.

I have nothing to live for, and nothing I want to do. And living is optional for me if I'm not going to make use of it. I don't mind if I succumb. But my family would, though they're probably the only one who does. Who really cares if I die? Not that my presence, or my absence, change anything at all. People will forget. I, though, seldom forgets deaths. There's nothing greater than life itself. But too bad it's not something I want at this moment.

Song for the moment: Dodgy - If You're Thinking Of Me - I can't stop feeling low/ I'm waiting for my friends to help me off the ground

- posted by K. C. @ 2:08 am